I struggled with what to write this week and I think that has been true every week (for me) because I feel very stuck. Not much has changed between March 2020 and now and I find myself coming up with “ideas” about what to write only to realize I’ve written that piece already.
For the last few months I’ve felt completely deflated by dating (and I’ve really only been on like 1 date). It’s the process of getting there that is rough. Dating profiles are such a mind game as are the different algorithms. Hinge lets you know immediately when someone has liked you and gives you the option to match with them, but the guys who are liking me are not the cream of the crop let’s just say. On Bumble I can go weeks without matching with someone and when I do finally match the conversation fizzles instantaneously, as if we are both exhausted by the inauthenticity of it all. I even paid for Jdate and it was the worst of them all. I felt like I was on a creepy chat room from the early 2000s and getting spam messages. The Lox Club, which I wrote about here, was a complete bust.
The point is it’s brutal out here to be single and is only fueling my misandry. So today I am running an archived piece called “Men Are Trash” because, sadly, I think this even more a year later.
[Originally published on June 22, 2020]
I moved to New York at the dawn of the dating app age. Tinder was a fledgling baby, but by sophomore year of college it would be a normal and accepted method of dating. By graduation in 2016 dating apps would become the only way of dating in a big city like New York.
I wasn’t much of a dater in high school or college. I met my ex at a summer job (i.e. not on an app) and I met Sam (re: any of my past pieces for ATF) at a store in St. Mark’s Place. My two most significant relationships started outside of the digital space, but that doesn’t mean I am new to the online dating world. I have a profile on every app in the app store. I have been on countless dates from these apps. I can count on one hand the number of guys I’ve met worth a second date and maybe only two whom I actually saw for several months before they fizzled out.
Maybe I am picky. Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m “undateable”. Sure, all that could be true and those reasons could be bringing down my dating average, but you know what else is a factor? The absolute trash I am being served on these apps. Truly garbage people that I find. Sometimes I recognize them immediately and more than often I realize it 10 minutes into the date.
One thing I make ABUNDANTLY clear in my profile is that I am staunchly anti-Trump. Seriously, FUCK that dude. And while I do not discriminate against my dating prospects if they are Republican, I do draw a line at Trumpanzees (a new word I learned this week for Trump supporters). I know many Republicans who are not Trump supporters. So I make it clear in my profile that this is my deal breaker. And yet, apparently saying explicitly in my profile that this is an issue for me, I still get men like darling Benjamin (real name) who right off the bat messages me, “I voted for Trump.”
Now, I could just ignore him, but I’m me so of course I didn’t. Instead I said, “Gross. Hope you’re happy with the dismantling of democracy and human rights.” I am not sure exactly what I thought would happen, but what followed was beyond my wildest dreams.
“Sad thing is,” he says, “you have no evidence to back up your claim. How about you start thinking for yourself you indoctrinated zombie. Good luck in 2020, you should book your therapist now, I’m sure they’ll be rather busy when the Dems lose again…”
Oh-kay Ben. Now I’m amused. So I reply, “So you have a tiny penis? My condolences.”
And then, my favorite and least favorite part of this entire interaction came in his response, “It’s actually pretty fat. Russian beef, ever heard of it?”
I legit vomited in my mouth. And that’s exactly what I told him. At this point I either deleted the chat or unmatched, whatever it is you do on Hinge when you don’t want to talk to someone anymore. The really unfortunate part is that I missed the opportunity to call his “fat” penis a choade and for that I will never forgive myself.
My next dating app story for you really hinges (See what I did there?) on the following photo:
It’s a cute pic if I do say so myself. I use it on most of my profiles because I think my face is clear and I look good and even though its from 2015/2016, I still think it’s a good representation of what I look like now. So…
I’m on Hinge, minding my own business when the most darling man, Nick, matches with me and immediately sends me the following message:
“It’s highly irrational to use filters that make your eyes look bigger/makes you seem more beautiful than you really are (although, I think you’re pretty without it, and don’t need it) since 1) this is a dating app and we’ll see what you look like in real life, 2) there’s only a limited amount of pictures for us to look at to decide whether you’re worth it for us to waste our time/money on a date, which also wastes your time if we expect to meet a girl we were more attracted to in the pics, making it more likely for you to be either used sexually or have to face rejection unnecessarily.”
This is the first message! I have in no way interacted with this person outside of regrettably swiping right on his profile. Additionally, the only “editing” to this photo that has happened is a default Instagram filter before there were a thousand apps to edit photos straight on your phone. So fuck you, I do look that beautiful. I’m just not exactly that pale (although close to it).
So my only response is, “I feel so bad for anyone who has ever had sex with you. You’re disgusting.”
Bro blows straight through that and continues, “On top of that, a lot of women on apps will do stupid shit like these face filters, then having several pics where you can’t see them or pics of their fucking dog by themselves, which is really fucking annoying. But anyways, I just wanted to get a chance to vent as well, don’t mind me.”
I say, “I will literally never mind you again.” WHICH I WON’T because this dude sucks. At least girls putting their pets in their profile are being honest. Bros will post pictures of themselves holding puppies and then in their bio be all like “oh no, it’s just my friend’s dog.” Like, you know you’re doing that because we are more likely to stop and look at your profile, but I digress.
Nick catches up to the convo and realizes I had previously insulted him and feels the need to protect his ego by saying, “Well then you’re feeling bad for a lot of women, I’m afraid to say. Lol you’ll be quite the miserable banshee of a wife one day. Just kidding, that probably won’t happen saying sexist, hateful, obnoxious shit like that due to some reasonable constructive criticism.
To recap, I have rightfully acknowledged that the women he’s had sex with should be consoled if they had to deal with this bullshit. Also, should we spot-check to make sure he hasn’t murdered someone? I in turn have been accused of being sexist, hateful, obnoxious.
He continues, “Learn how to take some feedback without losing your shit. Women like you give women a bad rep. Gives people the sense that women can’t handle feedback and you gotta coddle them. Do better. And stop being so obviously neurotic. It’s a serious red flag.”
I AM A RED FLAG?!?! This is why I am squarely in the camp that men are trash. While this is seriously entertaining to go back and forth with these serial killers, it is also exhausting. I came to the realization sometime last year that I really just have no interest in dating apps anymore.
After 4 years of meeting seriously questionable people and having had zillions of conversations exactly like these, why would I want to be on a dating app? That’s not rhetorical, seriously, DM us on Instagram if you have a good reason. Otherwise, I’m just going to have to wait out quarantine and COVID so I can try to meet people in person again.
Shit We’re Loving: EXPERIENCE
Sydney’s Pick: THE OTF RETREAT
I am so excited because in a little more than 24 hours, the OTF team will all be together for the very first time EVER. Tomorrow night, Aimée and I will fly from New York, Kayla will fly from Texas, and Shelby will be picking us up at the Columbus airport! We’ve all been waiting for this for so many months and it is finally here!
On Saturday the entire team will be together for the first time when Lizzy joins us for brunch. It is so cool and exciting to think that this little idea Shelby had at the beginning of quarantine has expanded into this network of women and now we get to really meet each other. I can tell that this weekend will be the beginning of something super special and I can’t wait to be with my OTF fam.
Show Your Support: Native Land Digital
We are on stolen land. You and I, right here, right now, are on land that was never ours to take. Yet, many don’t know this. Even less care. But learning—and acknowledging—is half the battle and Native Land Digital aims to have everyone take that first step. Native Land Digital is a free, online tool to learn of the original Indigenous territories in a specific area. The project, which started in 2015 as Native-Land.ca, strives to “create and foster conversations about the history of colonialism, Indigenous ways of knowing, and settler-Indigenous relations, through educational resources” like their comprehensive and interactive map and the Territory Acknowledgement Guide.
Land is sacred and, as Native Land Digital stresses, it is not easy to draw lines that divide land into chunks that delineate who “owns” a different part of it. In reality, land is “not something to be exploited and ‘owned,’ but something to be honored and treasured.” To honor the sacredness of the spaces we’ve built our lives on, the spaces we often take for granted, we acknowledge and extend our hearts to the land’s original owners and to Mother Earth herself, for bearing the weight of humanity.
Shelby and Lizzy acknowledge the Kaskaskia, Myaamia, and Hopewell land they live on. Shelby also acknowledges the Shawandasse Tula people and their land.
Sydney acknowledges the Munseen Lenape and Wappinger land she lives on.
Aimée acknowledges the Merrick land she lives on.
Kayla acknowledges the Kiikaapoi, Jumanos, Wichita, and Tawakoni land she lives on.
Blaze acknowledges the Ramaytush, Ohlone, and Muwekma land she lives on.
Daily Intention:
Today I will…
make the best of my day.
Here’s some nifty buttons for you to press, enjoy: