Toxic Masculinity: An Shitty Example
Or a way to lose readers (but really it's about Goodfellas)
Unlike my previous emails and my certainly more famous counterparts, I sometimes want to discuss some more intense topics. To give some perspective, I know you’re all aware of my multiple English degrees *insert hair flip* but during my time at expensive universities, I studied sexuality and gender in literature. I looked at and for secret sexual truths in Shakespeare’s plays and other Early Modern literature. I research homosexuality and sodomy, women’s rights and marriage, and unexplored sexual taboos. To further pat myself on the back, the two theses I’ve written for graduation at both schools revolved around BDSM in A Midsummer Night’s Dream while the other took a deep dive into Portia and Hermione’s bodies as a weapon for change.
Today though, I figured we could start off with something light and airy: toxic masculinity. Did you note the sarcasm? The difficult part with this topic is the people who think I mean all masculinity is toxic—of course, this is fake news. I love men, I love masculinity, and both things have their necessary places in the world. So why am I bringing this up? As I noted in yesterday’s email, Zack and I watched his favorite movie Goodfellas. I have seen this movie two and a half times: the half coming from the endless loop my father would have playing and I would witness bits and pieces from. The first full time (also with Zack), I was horrified at Henry’s actions at the end. Should I put a disclaimer here for spoilers ahead? Or are we all adult enough to know that this movie is ancient and if you haven’t seen it yet, you probably won’t. Anyway, Henry Hill (portrayed by Ray Liotta), coked out of his mind, rats on his mentors and gets placed in the Witness Protection Program and the movie ends. The first time I thought “How dare he! They fucking raised his sorry ass! Sure, Jimmy Conway is a little chaotic but Paulie?? What an absolute asshole.” What do my feelings have to do with toxic masculinity? I’m getting there, bear with me.
The movie as a whole is all about masculinity: the good and the bad (but mostly the bad). Young Henry watches the gangsters from his bedroom window and aspires to be them. Specifically, aspires to be someone who can get away with anything. Lucky for Henry, the position of “Shiny New Gangster” is available and he’s slotted in. Fast forward and he’s hanging out the Copacabana with his wife on Saturdays, but everyone knows that Friday nights are for the girlfriends, which Henry has a few throughout. Might I add he’s also raising two daughters? All of the men in the movie (except Paulie) have extremely poor manners towards women (Henry does beat his wife, they kill other men without considering the wife, then they also just kill the wife at times too).
As I said, the first time I watched the movie as a whole I was horrified with Henry. Leave it to a man to fuck everything up like that. Upon watching it the second time I realized I was watching the movie wrong. While it certainly makes it look cool, Scorsese isn’t condoning the gangster lifestyle or that it’s wrong to rat on your friends and family. Goodfellas portrays a skewed version of masculinity that our society has clung to for decades and continues to: where men are weak yet in power and successfully use this invisible assertion and confidence to get away with anything.
Henry Hill chooses this life of nefarious activity because he doesn’t know what good masculinity looks like. As a child, his father beat him with a belt, his window faced the gangsters to begin with, and once accepted into the secret, coveted group it only escalated from here. In the end, when questioning whether to save himself or save others, his survival instincts kick in because he knows nothing else. Of course, he has to rat out his life-long friends and mentors! Or else he’d go to jail and he’d already been there and didn’t love it (though Paulie was there too). His masculinity, the one that transformed him into the coked-out anti-hero we see before us, allows him to get away with anything like beating his wife and doing insane amounts of drugs but also allows him to rat out his friends and get away with it. This is the society Scorsese portrays: masculinity has consequences, but not necessarily ones that pertain to you. Everyone around Henry suffers (his children, his wife, his friends) because of the choices he’s made, because of the depiction of masculinity he’s basing his life on and it fucking works. Henry will go on living his life (we see him grabbing the paper in the morning in some bum-fuck neighborhood in who-knows-where, but it’s not about him, it’s about who he left in his wake. And the worst part? I side with him. Fuck Paulie and Jimmy and Tommy—they’re all assholes too! And in this world, you have to be the bigger asshole. Goodfellas is a look at what good masculinity is and how really no one (especially those in the movie) has it; it showcases a gross world where shit is always hitting the fan even though it’s generally polished to appear gilded. Masculinity is the same: it’s romanticized as something men should be (mobsters) and what women should want (rich but coked-out mobsters).
I suppose after all that rambling, what I’m attempting to suggest is that Goodfellas is more than just Zack’s favorite movie to me. Henry Hill is obviously a flawed man and his choices only make him worse. But how he perseveres (and certainly not for the best) is by abusing the masculinity he was bestowed at birth as many men continue to do today. Luckily, finally, in 2020 we’re catching on. Men can’t rely on their nostalgia to do bad things and get away with it (I’m looking at you Weinstein). Thoughts?
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Shit I’m Loving
READ: Dear Girls: Intimate Tales, Untold Secrets & Advice for Living Your Best Life by Ali Wong.
Dedicated to her two adorable daughters, Wong pens her version of a celebrity tell-all. It’s hard for it to be a tell-all when during her many standup specials, she already tells-all, but in her book, she frames her harrowing and hilarious tales as advice for her daughters when they grow up. And this isn’t Gwenyth Paltrow’s Goop-type advice: this is how to get your boyfriends/husband to help shave your pussy or how not to have sex with a homeless man. Her shit is real, she perfects the sort of story-telling I hope to emulate here: no bullshit, just real shit. Buy Ali Wong’s book on Bookshop here!
WATCH: Sex Education on Netflix.
Not that I’m late to the game or anything (I watched Season 2 right when it came out like the rest of us) but holy hell is Sex Education one of the best shows on television (or should we be saying online nowadays?) If I had to pick a show to watch for the rest of my life, it would be anything British: Fleabag, Lovesick, The End of the F***ing World, Sex Education—all shows that are better than ANY American trash that’s recently come out. Sex Education is everything we naive idiots think about all the time: sex. How to do it, how to do it well, how not to do it, what it means, why it means that, why I feel this way or that way, why he/she/they don’t like me, the list continues. The show is uplifting and heavily emotional (think teenage abortions, STIs, gender identity and homophobia) while also absolutely hilariously nostalgic (think being caught masturbating or unable to masturbate) and some of the best love interests and stories possible. Every character is riveting, every character is emotional and funny; it’s pretty much the best show ever so just go watch it already.
LISTEN: Master Volume (Deluxe Edition) by The Dirty Nil. Not a newer album (released last year) nor a band (this is their third studio album and they have a ton of EPs) but holy fuck do these songs bang. Think loud, thrashing, rock n’ roll type stuff, but sung by a beautiful Canadian man wearing an oversized tie. The entire album is a smash and if you’ve recently felt the desire to headbang (certain circumstances allow for this action) then definitely jam to this. My favorite songs are “Evil Side” (the slower song on the album but don’t let that fool you) and “Pain of Infinity” (the opening of this song is so orgasmically loud and instrumental I want it tattooed on me if that were possible).
EXPERIENCE (Changed from DO): Assorted Courses on Brit + Co.
We’re all stuck inside and the surplus of “What to do while on lockdown” sites have flourished since. So to add to your list of things that sound interesting but you probably won’t do because sitting on the couch and rewatching Gilmore Girls sounds better, I’d recommend Brit + Co’s online courses. Brit + Co is the cuter, preppy older sister of Skillshare. They feature courses taught by women (fuck yeah!) on a multitude of things like watercolor and flower arranging, but also real-life skills (sorry, I’m not going to be a professional flower arranger anytime soon) like investing and photography. The site as a whole is bright and punchy and cheerful, just like its home of San Francisco. I am wanting to learn how to letter on the iPad so I’ve had my eye on iPad Illustration with Molly Jacques Bundle for a while now.
New Segment! To Do’s:
For YOU: Practice setting a daily intention for yourself. You can use mine as inspiration and while this sounds cheesy and a little new-wavey, it really does help thread your day together. Even if it’s something silly like “Not put on pants” or “Only drink gin,” it’s still something to structure your day around.
For THEM: Find out what local businesses you can support right now. Mostly digital/physical gift cards are available but, hey money is money and you get to pick your favorite places to help out in this shitty time. If you live in the Columbus OH area, here’s a helpful link: https://supportlocalcolumbus.com/
Daily Intention
Today I will…
Lay in bed all day and not be mad for doing so. Some days, doing nothing is doing something.
