Can I Have a Hall Pass?
Breaking monogamy for that special someone.
Has anyone else had a running “Hall Pass” list in their head since they were sexually active? Or was that just me…
What is a Hall Pass? You might conjure up the 2011 movie Hall Pass where Owen Wilson and Jason Sudeikis, having been married for some time, are granted permission from their wives to do whatever they please for a week. I assume some raunchy banter and chaos ensues, both men come to realize they are perfectly happy in their marriages (the wives are played by Jenna Fischer and Christina Applegate so I know I’d be happy) and, if and when they aren’t, that communication is the key to a healthy marriage and a healthy sex life. Sounds horribly unrealistic.
Can a Hall Pass really exist? What would it look like? This question led to much debate between Zack and me. Zack believes the people on the list need to be wildly out of the person’s league, filling the pass with A-List celebrities. I don’t fully agree--I think what makes a Hall Pass unique is the probability of it. Not enough probability that it would really happen, there’s just slightly more of a chance of it happening than with a top-tier celebrity. It’s obvious when you pick a famous celebrity--aren’t they just on everyone’s list?
We asked the ladies who would be on their lists:
It’s Always Lists with Shelby:
Mila Kunis
Mila Kunis has been #1 on my “Lesbian” list since I was smart enough to conceive of a “lesbian list” which, I guess meant a list of women I, as a woman, would sleep with? I now cringe at my childhood word choice, though it is but another instance of my deeply closeted queerness.
Mila Kunis is just fantastic. She is a beautiful, beautiful woman. I feel wordless about her; I haven’t grasped enough language to describe how infatuated I am with her. Her eyes are unbelievable; they are a little bit more inset than mine and she has an exaggerated natural crease that, mixed with her olive skin, gives her eyes this perfectly bare smokey definition. I have tried to replicate it for ages.
Timothée Chalamet
Timothée (or Timmy as I lovingly refer to him) is my equivalent to Sydney’s obsession with Harry Styles. I originally didn’t even have him on this list. To me, if there were ever a situation that presented itself where I could get close enough to touch that man, I don’t care who I’m with. That’s when I go into Russian sleeper spy, enact my extremely detailed and sexy plan to kidnap one “Mr. Chalamet,” and then you never hear from either of us again. That ain’t a Hall Pass, that’s a do-or-die situation.
I had originally chosen Luke Bentham, the lead singer of the Canadian band The Dirty Nil.
I fucking love them and Luke? Well, Luke is cuuuute. The Dirty Nil played in Columbus in December 2019, right before the plague. The venue was tiny and there were maybe 30 people there. TBH it was a tiny bit sad because I want people to love them, but it meant that we were “front-row” because there wasn’t anyone else. I would definitely put money on me taking that dude home if I weren’t with my significant other or, perhaps, if that had been agreed upon previously…
Mike Schostok
I’ll admit, I like playing with fire. My moon is in Sagittarius after all. Mike Schostok and I were in high school together. And I had a huge crush on him. It was probably horrifically obvious, but it was true. Mike, you were funny, you were kind, you probably gave me butterflies. You also could grow a beard in between classes—you were always told to shave and I was always turned on by that.
Let’s be real Mike, there was something there, right? I’m fucking hilarious! I’m a catch! All I can say is that you’re a big-time lawyer now (ps I also had a massive hard-on for Joe Salvi, so let me know if that complicates things), but this next reunion? 2022? 10 years? Hit me up.
Kayla’s Hall Pass Struggles
This is so incredibly challenging for me. I know it sounds absolutely crazy, but I don’t actually have very many crushes on people I haven’t met. Don’t get me wrong, back in the day, I was an absolute Josh Hutcherson fangirl (and lowkey still would be today if I ever met him), but truthfully I don’t think I’d ever want a “hall pass” to hookup with him. I think I just like the idea of being “obsessed” with someone. Even if those emotions were just pent-up teenage-girl angst that needed an outlet in the form of being a crazy stalker fangirl. And sure, I think Zac Efron is a major sex-god and Cam Gigandet is the Christian Grey of my fantasies, but I don’t think I would actually ever want to hook up with them if I got the chance… and yes, I know that chance is like .000000000000001%. Maybe if there was an apocalypse and we were the last two surviving people on the planet? Possibly giving myself too much credit.
I guess if I had to really think about it, and had to pick a hall pass, most of the celebrity crushes I have are women. Like, I think a lot of male celebrities are attractive (come on, didn’t we all go through a Channing Tatum faze or is that just me?), but I never actually felt like I could make a deeper connection and want to sleep with them. However, I have had a major crush on Blake Lively for like years. She just seems so genuine and oh my gosh she is just hella gorgeous. I could potentially see myself “leaving Marc” for a time to go see what it was like to be with a woman. And she would definitely be my #1 choice. She also is a big Taylor Swift fan so I feel like we could connect on a deeper level.
I briefly mentioned to Marc that Taylor Swift would also be a hall pass, but he scoffed and asked me if that is something I would really want. Truthfully, he is right. I’m not sure if I would actually want to hook up with her if I got the chance. I’d probably just want to pick her brain and ask her every single thing I possibly could because I’m so infatuated with her. I guess on some level I feel like to hook-up you have to be somewhere on the same planet, but Taylor is in a whole different realm in terms of looks, success, and really anything. So I’d probably just cry if I met her and tell her how amazing she is.
Aimée Takes Her Hall Pass Seriously
…yeah, I would DEFINITELY make use of my hall pass if given the chance. Like seriously, if I *somehow* had the opportunity to fuck Sebastian Stan, I would not even blink before accepting that offer. Holy shit. Here’s that gif again from the other day, in case you need convincing.
The second name on my hall pass would have to be Zachary Levi. I’m not as into him as I once was, but for many years of my life, he was THE celebrity of my dreams. And actually, I have met him a few times! So maybe the .000000000000001% statistic Kayla quoted is more like a .000000000001% for Zachary Levi and me? Maybe?
And before y’all start getting all worried, no, Joshua Bassett is not the third name on my hall pass. Well…I typed that and then wasted like 15 minutes trying to think of who actually IS the third name. I’m coming up short! Like, there are definitely plenty of celebrities I’d hook up with if given the chance, but for the purpose of this exercise…I don’t know! Maybe it is Joshua Bassett? Ugh, he’s just so young. Here are some of the other names that crossed my mind: Chris Evans, Tom Hiddleston, Oscar Isaac, George Springer (wish he still played for the Astros), and Zac Efron. Maybe I’ll pick Tom Hiddleston since I’m fresh off of finishing Loki and because I think Mike would respect that choice. Or maybe I should choose Chris Evans so I could have both Steve AND Bucky. You know what—I’m gonna follow my heart and choose Tom Hiddleston for the third slot. His voice is just perfection.
Shit We’re Loving: PEOPLE
Our Pick: Consensual Non-Monogamers
A huge round of applause to the partners who have escaped our Capitalist-driven societal push towards monogamy. Can we really just start pushing for full normalization of even the “tabooiest” of taboos (like non-monogamy) and just be done with it? It’s 2021, the world is forever changed and probably, ultimately, on her last leg. So let’s live a little, huh?
Check out this relationship graph from XeroMag:
There is nothing wrong with consensual non-monogamy. Not one thing. It is a healthy way to express one’s sexual desires and needs. We are so ingrained that marriage=two people (and straight ones at that) that we overlook the myriad of other ways couples have operated for eons. Of course monogamy is not inherently bad: Kayla is lovingly married, Aimée is soon after, and I’m engaged. But I want to live in a world that fiancees discuss their potential desire of and for their equivalent of a “hall pass” during their marriage discussion. Why not start by asking if our partner is interested in those sorts of things? Why not go into a partnership aware that there are thousands of ways to be sexually (and not even sexually) satisfied and none of them have to explicitly match yours.
If you’re interested in consensual non-monogamy, here are a few resources I’d suggest turning to:
Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton
Beducated, an online sexual education learning platform, has some awesome adult-level videos and courses on just about everything from masturbation tips, taking your first steps towards anal sex, and yes, open relationships. It is a subscription-based model, which I’m not always a fan of.
This interesting article (older, but updated) about the Relationship Escalator—the pre-determined set of steps one “must” follow in a relationship (from flirting to death). The author breaks down how and when the Relationship Escalator works for people, and how and when it doesn’t fit for others.
Show Your Support: The Audre Lorde Project
This month we are spotlighting OTF writer, Blaze’s pick, The Audre Lorde Project. ALP is a Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Two Spirit, Trans, and Gender Non-Conforming People of Color community organizing center in the New York City area. First brought together by Advocates for Gay Men of Color (a multi-racial network of gay men of color HIV policy advocates) in 1994, the ALP is committed to struggling across differences and seeking to responsibly reflect.
Their guiding principles prioritize the collective histories of LGBTSTGNC people of color and the struggle against discrimination and oppression. The ALP is a home base for LGBTST peoples of African/ Black/ Caribbean, Arab, Asian & Pacific Islander, Latina/o, and Native/Indigenous descent. They wholeheartedly believe that services and organizing efforts are most successful when they involve the communities served, so ALP creates and supports decision-making and organizational structures that represent the communities they serve. The ALP knows competent skills and expertise already exist in the LGBTSTGNC people of color communities, but they often go underutilized. Therefore, ALP supports and promotes the work of existing and emerging LGBTST people of color organizations as well as the efforts of LGBTSTGNC people of color cultural workers and activists.
Thanks, Blaze for this inspiring pick! In Our Trust Fund’s honor, I have already donated $100 to the Audre Lorde Project and encourage you all to give what you can. We all need to participate in building a better world.
Head to their Instagram for the most recent updates and, if you’re in New York City on August 28th, check out BedStuy Pride, which they’re organizing.
Daily Intention:
Today I will…
Flirt a little.
Here’s some nifty buttons for you to press, enjoy: