How’s everyone doing? Good? Great? Crying into a pint of ice cream? Cool, cool, cool, same.
This whole quarantine thing has taken a massive toll on my mental and emotional health and I don’t think I am the only one. As someone who struggles with anxiety and depression every second of every day, social distancing gives me way too much time and space to think about all the things I perceived as wrong with me or my life. It allows me to dwell on the bad and ignore the good, which I am already an expert at doing.
My absolute favorite thing to dwell on is the fact that at 24 I lost the love of my life. It took me a long time to call him: “love of my life”. How, at now 25, do I know that’s who he was? Well, there’s a really obnoxious adage that says, “when you know you know” and that is, unfortunately, true. Maybe in a future letter, I’ll explain all about how complicated that relationship was, but for now, all you need to know is that I loved and lost. And that is something at the top of my mind every day, especially when I have a lot of time on my hands.
So obviously quarantine has been a perfect storm for me to really wallow in my anxiety and depression and this super sad thing that I experienced. This is why when a friend recommended Ruth Svelmoe read my tarot cards, I kind of jumped at the opportunity. I have only had my cards read at hokey boardwalk readers, but this was the first time I was trusting and believing in someone else’s ability to divine something from me (over facetime).
I scheduled an appointment with Ruth and let me just tell you, it was an emotional rollercoaster. I’ll preface the rest of this by saying that she is not a psychic. You will only get out of it what you put in it. If you come in feeling like this is fake, you won’t get anything out of it. If you come to the table with pure intention and an open mind, you’ll receive the answers you’re looking for.
As I explained earlier, all this free time has given me way too much time to think about someone I lost. For many reasons, I do not have closure from this loss, I may never. Therefore, when I went into this reading, my intention was to learn more about my loss and my grief. Boy, did she deliver.
Due to social distancing, my entire reading was hosted over FaceTime. It began with a generic chat about how we both were doing in the current climate. Then she asked which direction I was facing and I re-situated myself to face her (in Williamsburg). Then she asked me to meditate on an intention I had for our time while she shuffled the cards. The purpose was to charge the cards with the energy I wanted to put into our session together. She gave me as much time as I needed to charge the cards with my intention. Then she pulled my five cards.
The first card I received was the Death card, reversed. The Death card represents change and transformation. When in reverse it can symbolize resistance to that change. Interpreted for me, it’s important that I do not rush my grief or run away from it. It is part of me now and I need to give it the space and attention it needs.
The second card I received was the Five of Pentacles indicating scarcity. This card asks you to look at where you are experiencing deprivation. For me, it is a scarcity of love. That’s not to say I don’t have it. I have many friends and family members who love and care and support me, but that’s sometimes not enough when you’ve suffered a terrible loss. The question is, “am I getting the support, encouragement and inner resources you need?”
The third card I received was The Sun. As explained to me by Ruth, this card is the feeling of walking onto the beach and it’s very quiet and the sun is shining on your face and you feel very warm. This card also represents what I need to let go of. I know what you’re thinking, why would I let go of the feeling of pure happiness? That is not what this means. In tarot, you must be open to the interpretation of a card, not a literal meaning. In the context of my reading, this card means I cannot push myself into light and warmth and happiness. It’s okay not to be okay. I do not need to be happy if I’m not, dating if I don’t want to be, pushing myself to be in a place of acceptance if I am still grieving.
The fourth card I received was the Father of Pentacles (commonly called the King of Pentacles). This card represents what I need. This card generally represents someone who has a firm handle on all aspects of life.
The last card I received was the Son of Cups, sometimes called the Knight of Cups. This card teaches you to immerse yourself in your emotions and trust. As the last card I pulled it represents my future. My future holds love and compassion. The partner that I ultimately find will love me because of the loss I’ve experienced and will honor it. My future holds possibility.
Now, I’m sure none of you care all that much about my personal tarot reading, especially considering none of you really know me, but my point in all of this is that this shit was scary accurate. While I did discuss with my tarot reader beforehand what I was bringing to the session, there were a lot of aspects of my reading that she interpreted that I did not share with her. I am not saying she’s psychic (she herself does not claim to be), but intuition plays a huge part in this process. I came to my session with an open heart and mind and in return received an honest reading.
I cannot promise a tarot reading will suddenly cure everything you feel is wrong with your life. It didn’t bring me any more closure than I had before. What it did do was bring me comfort. I felt I was able to connect with myself on a deeper level. I think that’s all any of us are really looking for, especially now.
If you're interested in a remote reading, you can DM Ruth (@svelmotarot) on Instagram and schedule an appointment.
Shit We’re Loving
READ: The Awakening by Kate Chopin
You had to imagine at some point there would be some classical literature in this section. Just wait until I do an entire, Shakespeare-themed edition! Today, though, I want to bring up a book I read while in my honors English course in college (the first time around). Sydney’s tale above inspired me to find things we’re loving that focus on self-identity. Chopin’s The Awakening follows Edna Pontellier in 1899 New Orleans. Edna struggles with self: thanks to the turn of the century, motherhood and womanhood are diverging paths and Edna is torn between both. Through self-isolation (sound familiar?), she rediscovers the things she truly loves and discards the things the American south tells her she needs to be and do. It’s not a challenging read in terms of writing, but more in terms of what lengths Edna does decide to go to—be prepared to cry. You can snag The Awakening on Bookshop (seriously, it’s $4) or at Columbus’ Prologue bookstore.
WATCH: The Good Place on Hulu
Seeing as the show has now ended, there’s a chance you’re already familiar with it, but even so, it deserves a shoutout here. NBC’s The Good Place, starring Ted Dansen and Kristin Bell, is an insanely refreshing show. Set in the afterlife (and even that is far more complicated), Eleanor Shellstrop and the team of misfits she’s stuck with, must uncover the conspiracy of “heaven” and “hell” (referred to as the Good Place and the Bad Place respectively). The episodes are only 30 minutes long and while it is a comedy (and truly hilarious at times) it tugs on the heartstrings many times and you will fall in love with the characters as they journey through becoming better people in order to succeed in the afterlife. Exactly as it was probably supposed to do, the show makes you laugh all while showing you how to be a better person, however complicated that may be. Watch The Good Place on Hulu or on NBC.
LISTEN: “Gloria” by The Midnight and “I Wanna Get Better” by Bleachers
I have two songs for you today, both of which came out in 2014 (holy hell that was long ago) and send me into a tissy of existentialism, but somehow in a good way. You are probably familiar with Bleacher’s summer hit, but go listen to it again. What an oddly uplifting song while discussing not uplifting things. In the same vein, The Midnight brings 80’s synths and neon vibes while casually singing about taking medication for our collective insane-ness. After finishing our study abroad program, instead of going home right away, I lived in London for another month and traveled to a few more places, like Copenhagen (the motherland!). While on my solo trip to Denmark, I pretty much only listened to this The Midnight album and felt all the vibes. Oh, Gloria, I feel so much better.
EXPERIENCE: The Sims 4 and any/all associated game packs
Truth time: I’ve been playing Sims since forever ago, since the original The Sims that I stole from my father’s computer. I’ve had just about every expansion pack for all iterations (Sims, Sims 2, Sims 3, and Sims 4) plus the mobile games and the (dreadful) DS game. While I miss some things from The Sims 3, the Sims 4 is definitely a great way to pass one’s quarantine time. The main reason for featuring this decade-old game series is to remind you that your dreams can come true, even if it’s in a simulation. The Sims 4 calms and collects me as I build expansive (or tiny!) houses and create meaningless characters to throw into them, but I’ve also created myself and attempted to do all the things I’ve wanted to do (attend university, become an influencer, or be a witch! Just get in there and play around already! Live out your wildest fantasies, desires, and/or nightmares. Remember, The Sims is only available on Origin which you have to download first!
PEOPLE: WildFlower Sex Blog
Not technically a person but a collaborative project by a sex toy company to also provide interesting and, of course, educational content on all things sexual. My goal with A Trust Fund is to discuss the things that are silenced from other female newsletters, which is primarily gender and sexuality. This blog features amazing pieces about all that sexual nitty-gritty like having sex with herpes, feminism and ethical porn, and how to be allies to transgender people. Every piece is a great read and puts you in touch with your own sexual or gender-related questions. As a cis-gendered, straight female, most of these pieces are things I don’t even remember to think about, so it’s a great way to bring those stories and real-life facts to my forefront.
Daily Intentions
Today I will…
Learn the difference between my Sun and Moon signs so I can better understand myself.
Here’s some nifty buttons for you to press, enjoy: