I Can't Help But Wonder (S1, E1)

Were women in New York really giving up on love and throttling up on power?

Apr 14, 2021

Happy Hump Day, friends! Shelby here to give you the rundown on Blaze’s new reoccurring segment “I Can’t Help But Wonder.” Inspired by Sex and the City, Blaze will be answering all 92 questions Carrie Bradshaw presents throughout the series. It’s been a while since this cult-favorite show aired (the first episode was summer of 1998! Sooo 23 years ago???) so using her knowledge of today, Blaze is going to reinterpret these questions and answer them for our modern setting.

We love to see it, Blaze! 💖

“Were women in New York really giving up on love and throttling up on power?”

Yes. And No. But also it’s none of your business.

More importantly, let’s reframe the question. How about we stop putting the onus of choosing a career over family on the already overloaded shoulders of women and instead look at the social structures that create this dilemma. Women’s presence continues to grow in the workforce, yet their domestic expectations stay the same. An article from the Independent concludes that “when both individuals in the couples were in full-time employment, women were found to be five times more likely than men to spend at least 20 hours a week doing household chores” (Independent, 2019). Despite chipping away at glass ceilings, women still pick up the slack when it comes to household chores, child-rearing, and traditional female roles. Does that sound like giving up to you?

According to this NPR article, “women in the US hold more bachelor degrees than men,” yet “the median income of a man with a college degree is $74,900. A college-educated woman on the other hand will earn just $51,600.” The gender pay gap is a real, documented issue and even increases more when factoring in race, location, and familial economic status—yet women are still encouraged with bubblegum slogans to Lean In to their #Girlboss abilities without discussing the mental and physical tolls of entering, growing, and excelling in the workforce.

While many people—men and women alike—repeat the hack stereotype that women use their sexuality to gain work promotions or favoritism, as a society we are just now starting to investigate what a harmful narrative this is. The Instagrammer @Violetclair, who draws cartoons featuring female voices, depicts the flipside of this scenario in one of her pieces. As two employees stand next to each other by the office water cooler, the male employee says, “you don’t understand, she’s mature for her age,” to which the female employee rebuts, “well then, why don’t you petition H.R. to give her a promotion rather than use it as an excuse to try and fuck her” (Violetclair, 2020). So often women are subjected to sexual harassment in the workplace, yet it rarely leads to real work advancement and can cause serious mental and career duress and often even causes women to leave the workforce entirely. Researcher Amy Blackstone reports that “victims (of sexual harassment at work) are 6.5 times more likely to change jobs than those who aren’t harassed, even when accounting for other factors that prompt people to switch jobs, such as having a baby,” again proving that for women, having a career is more complex than simply the choice between domestic life and the lure of power (Elle, 2017).

In the same article, Ariane Hegewisch, program director for employment and earnings at the Institute for Women's Policy Research, says that sexual harassment “often damages women's incomes and prospects. A lot of wage growth…comes from changing jobs to negotiate up. But if women end up having to leave just to escape a bad situation, you kind of have to start back at a lower level of seniority, have to prove yourself again” (Elle, 2017). Even when women choose to forgo the gift of their gender and not have children, the female body still holds people back from their career goals through sexual harassment. The idea that women are “giving up” on love feels like yet another task society puts on the backs of females. As if it is our choice to decide to give up on love—not large porn conglomerates who dehumanize female sex workers, not capitalism for tying our self worth to our social status and paycheck, not men for continuing to harm and assault women daily, not our justice system for not protecting women, especially women of color (Rolling Stone, 2020). Nope, it’s women’s fault for giving up. If they just tried a little harder then they could be in love and not have to worry about some pesky career.

While the decision to pursue a career over starting a family is difficult, the economic impact of Covid took that choice away from many women. In an article in Bookings by Martha Ross and Nicole Bateman addressing this crisis, they point out that, “of course, the disruptions to daycare centers, schools, and afterschool programs have been hard on working fathers, but evidence shows working mothers have taken on more of the resulting childcare responsibilities, and are more frequently reducing their hours or leaving their jobs entirely in response” (WIA Report, 2020). Women have traditionally held the caretaker role but it does feel different seeing it in writing as the result of a study as the detriment behind career slumps. At the beginning of their capitalist journey, women are told they can be anything they want, yet we rarely see women hold these high power offices or positions of significance without the constant bombardment of the faults in their domestic life. Cue the controversy when the French Open banned the “catsuit” Serena Williams wore to the tournament because she has a history of blood clots and developed one after giving birth to her daughter, Alexis, in September via C-section. She dedicated her Black Panther-inspired catsuit to “all the moms out there that had a tough pregnancy” (VOX, 2018). The nerve of one of the greatest professional athletes to wear a uniform for her health after dealing with the physical hardship of childbirth. This fashion drama was reported with more gusto than her actual performance, showing the world again that what a woman does with her body is more interesting than her career advancements. We could also talk about abortion bans and how the law plays a significant part in a woman’s choice about having children or not…but that’s a whole other conversation.

There are deep personal, mental, social, and economic pulls to the decision of family or career. The Bookings article continues, arguing that “problems facing women in the labor market have never been hidden, but they have been inconvenient to address because they are so entrenched in the basic operations of our economy and society. The low wages associated with ‘pink collar’ occupations have long contributed to the feminization of poverty, and the chronic shortage of affordable, high-quality childcare reflects outdated notions of women’s societal roles, how the economy functions, and child development” (WIA Report, 2020). Even if on a personal level you do not choose to have children, the impact of child-rearing still affects the role of women in the workforce and what positions are deemed more likely to be held by females—think teacher, nurse, personal care. The Madonna/Whore complex that plagues female sexuality rears its head in the workplace, making women feel the need to choose between succeeding in their career or cultivating a deep romance that leads to love and potentially a family.

The idea that women even have to choose and “can’t have it all” might have young feminists today rolling their eyes and thinking that the pressure to not excel at work sounds nice or that these statistics seem dramatic or archaic, yet it was only in 1974, when most of our mothers were already born and developing their own career goals, that women were legally able to have their own bank account. One Advisory financial advisor notes that, “in the 1960s women gained the right to open a bank account. Shortly after, in 1974, the Equal Credit Opportunity Act passed which was supposed to prohibit credit discrimination on the basis of gender. Before its passage, many banks granted credit cards to women only with their husbands' signatures and outright refused to issue them to unmarried women” (One Advisory, 2017). So with history stacked against women joining the workforce, coupled with the natural desire to raise children, and the harsh financial reality of COVID-19 cutting away available jobs, it is hard to think of women “throttling up on power” as a negative and more as an act of bravery. If the only way that women can excel at work is to prioritize deadlines over date nights, why are we chastising that? Have babies, go to grad school, start your own business, all of the above; these options should be equal and valid for any woman to choose. Destigmatize the pressure for women to appeal to society’s standards. And to paraphrase the late RGB, “Take your feet off of our necks.”

Shit We’re Loving: LISTEN

Blaze’s Pick: FOR CERTAIN by BIA

The 2020 EP by up-and-coming rapper BIA entitled FOR CERTAIN (produced by Aziz the Shake, Lil Rich, CB Mix, and London J) has been ringing in my ears all week. It’s a sleeper album that’s giving me early summer vibes and is loaded with dance tracks. Only eight songs long, this EP makes you feel like a bad bitch that no one can say shit to. I love the banger “SAME HANDS (feat. Lil Durk)” whose hook says, “crushing up the drugs with the same hands that I fix to pray with.” Same. The standout track “WHOLE LOTTA MONEY” is a true anthem, and features the amazing line, “I put on all my jewelry just to go to the bodega.” Also same. The visuals are incredible; the cover features the rapper in luxurious long black gloves, black lipstick, and pearls while bathed in a warm orange background and fiery hair. BIA reminds me of a trap SZA with her soft, ethereal voice over some pretty hard beats. Early 2000s rap fans will immediately recognize the iconic Lil Jon vocal sample on the first song as she riffs on his “Bia Bia” track off his We Still Crunk! album. It’s a great crossover album for listeners who like pop but are interested in exploring female rap with catchy ass hooks. The song “COVER GIRL” starts out saying, “I’m not fucking no man if he don’t deserve it,” and it continues to grow from there. I love her bold voice and strong message of female empowerment. Don’t miss the BIA boat and check her out before she’s performing at the VMAs and doing interviews with Vogue—because it’s only a matter of time.

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Show Your Support: Environmental Defense Fund

With Earth Day falling at the end of April, this month’s supported organization is one of our country's most influential nonprofit boards: the Environmental Defense Fund or EDF. For more than 50 years, EDF has been the pioneer, using science and different perspectives, to make the environment safer and healthier for all of us.

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