I Can't Help But Wonder (S1/E5)

Where’s the line between the professional girlfriend and just plain “professional”?

Dec 15, 2021

I Can’t Help But Wonder…

Where’s the line between the professional girlfriend and just plain “professional”? (season 1, episode 5)

Haven’t we established that no matter what mold we squish ourselves into, as long as the patriarchy lives we’re all professional girlfriends? No matter what our chosen profession or relationship dynamic in work, partnerships, families, friendships; the structure of our society will not let go of its stronghold on archaic principles. Since toy dolls and trucks, it’s been subtly pointed out to us that the female’s role is best actualized when supporting the male’s role, which is to be the best at whatever he desires (another tragic repercussion of toxic masculinity). The male gaze rickshaws off the one-dimensional feminine plane. A shame really that they blind themselves to the true power of our depth, fooled by a shiny surface, objectified. After all, people are still traded as currency today. How does that play into relationships with a power dynamic rooted in money? What makes someone a professional girlfriend or just plain “professional?” What is the societal difference between using sex or obligation to persuade a partner to do what they want, be it giving them money or getting them a cup of tea when their stomach hurts? Everyone wants something, it’s how you get it.

How do we define the tie between sex worker and customer? Is that not a relationship? A working relationship, but significant nonetheless. There’s no need to drop the moniker of girlfriend. Maybe it’s even a relationship with stricter boundaries and emotional space if both people are happy about their decision to enter into the union. What makes them tethered together then? Where is the line? Blurred again, which according to the “RIAA diamond certified, a longest-running single of 2013 in the United States” is how we prefer them (Billboard 100, 2013).

Defining the difference between being the professional girlfriend and just plain “professional” feels like drawing a line in chalk before the rain. I’m sure some good intentions were set. If you choose to define the difference between a professional girlfriend and professional in legality, ie a marriage license that’s signed and notarized by the government, that seems like a smart way to go. But then the married are sequestered from everyone coupled outside the law; including those casually dating, the engaged, boyfriends and girlfriends, queer people in most countries. Are these categories more similar to the relationship between professional and client than the married? Perhaps.

If we find ourselves in Nevada and you pay government taxes as a legal sex worker, and paperwork is drawn up sanctifying the official recognition of your time together, doesn’t that fall into the same sanctity of marriage? If we remove the federal piece and claim it’s a bond between the couple and God, what happens when two Christians intertwine passionately until the clock is up and money is exchanged? If religious people hire a sex worker and that sex worker is also a believer, does that relationship now have the same societal value as a husband and wife?

Where is the line?

A truly excellent question.

As documented by screenshots from my friend’s Tinder, a lot of men these days are looking for girls who, “don’t take life so seriously.” Who said anything about taking life seriously, I ask in this quick 2,000-word essay about finance and gender archetypes. But really, how are we expected to relax when it feels like we’re always at work? Keeping up appearances as a female is a constant fight against criticism from others, ourselves, strangers, our families, our dogs, the list goes on! Sometimes it’s your own mother who, in the same breath, asks why you’ve gained weight but you’re not even eating your whole dinner. To be female is to walk around as though tomorrow is our one-year performance review at work. It’s a nerve-racking place to live when supposedly what determines our value is our looks, our intelligence, and the ratio between our looks and intelligence. The standards of professionalism now extend way beyond the boardroom and into the bedroom.

“One in five couples identify money as their greatest relationship challenge” because modern couples are too afraid, to be honest about the true exchange of services between them (Fidelity Couples and Money Fact Sheet 2021). I’ve written before about the imbalance of work in a heteronormative romantic relationship and the newly minted “emotional labor” this new generation keeps taxing on. Emotional labor might seem like a persnickety idea to the older generations who wore hair rollers and burned To Kill A Mockingbird, but this concept existed back then too, probably even in more extreme cases. They were just more honest about it and didn’t need someone verbalizing the sentiment that stay-at-home wives were to be quiet, look sweet, and listen faithfully to their husbands. They knew a place in society that served them to a certain extent and nestled in. Considering many of these women didn’t have high-paying jobs and factored in inflation, the real difference between a professional girlfriend and just plain “professional” is a pay raise. Transferring funds through a bank teller or a less regulated third party is not indicative of self-respect, or lack thereof, for the payer nor the recipient. Simply different means to the same end.

Drag performer Venus Xtravaganza pulls at this same thread in her monologue from the 1991 New York City queer Ball culture documentary film “Paris is Burning,” directed by Jennie Livingston. She recounts harmless transactions with clients. How sometimes a gentleman will take, “me out for dinner later this evening, or for cocktails after midnight. I know he'll give me some money just for me to maybe buy some shoes and a nice dress, so that the next time he sees me, he'll see me looking more and more beautiful, the way he wants to see me. But I don't have to go to bed with him, or anything like that. At times they do expect sexual favors, but that is between myself and them, so I don't want to talk about that any further.” Demure, indeed. Xtravaganza also points out that, “if you're married? A woman, in the suburbs, a regular woman, if you want your husband to buy a washer and dryer set, I'm sure she'd have to go to bed with him, to give him something he wants, to get what she wants. So, in the long run, it all ends up the same way” (IMDB, 1991). Unfortunately, Xtravaganza was murdered in 1988 before the release of this film and she didn’t get to see the impact her observations had on the world. Her death was tragic, but I would be remiss to ignore the fact that every day “137 women worldwide are killed by their current or former partner” (Statista, 2020). Studies, experience, pop culture - they all show us again and again that violence against all women is common and many times accepted.

Financial independence provides a lot of freedom, which could potentially help define the difference between a professional girlfriend and a professional. Do professionals have more options in life due to their ability to monetize something that others give away for free? Is it really free if there’s a mortgage attached? While only “26% of women say they are the primary decision-maker for day-to-day finances,” the more telling part of this statistic is how it gets broken down by generation. It’s no surprise that Baby Boomers have the lowest percentage at only 25%, followed by Millennials at 28%, and lastly Gen X at 33% (Fidelity Couples and Money Fact Sheet, 2021). If you go by sweeping generational stereotypes that those in Gen X are now old enough to be getting bigger promotions, millennials are squeaking into a salary job, and Baby Boomers are moving into retirement, it tracks that the amount of input a woman has in the financial decisions of the household is in direct proportion to the amount of money they contribute. Which would seem fair based on that point of view alone, that those who contribute the most get the most amount of say. But these numbers are doing just that, telling a single story with a tax bracket as the main character. It negates all the labor costs of those who are not at the office 40 hours a week or more and is left with all the responsibility that falls outside the walls of net income, which adds up to a lot. What is the cost-benefit of hiring a sitter to watch your kids while your partner is at work if you want to take an internship at your dream job? Is it worth it to turn around and give your hourly wage 100% back to a caregiver and lose time with your children? It doesn’t sound financially or emotionally great, hence why so many people opt to be the caregiver themselves, absorbing the labor but not the paycheck. Mothers choose to stay home every day because of practicality, yet that sacrifice doesn’t have a neat little percentage break down. You can’t monetize changing the trajectory of your life. You can monetize a hole. I’m not saying you should, but it would give you a more accurate statistic.

I once dated someone who claimed, “I am tired of just taking you out to dinner and having sex, I feel like you’re using me.” By those standards, I guess I was. I didn’t think it was a secret that I like being taken out to dinner and having sex. The frustration brewing under this conversation took me by surprise. I told them I didn’t see any issue with that arrangement, a deal as clear as cubic zirconia. One provided the service of looking hot and being interesting (me) and the other provided a sense of security and adulthood (them). Tables turned and now I felt belittled knowing they were adding up the nickels and dimes behind every swipe to use against me when I thought they enjoyed our dynamic too. The comfort of being taken care of within the context of a relationship is delicious but not once someone feels taken advantage of, creates a negative experience for both parties. If you were a professional, sometimes they pay you more to make them feel vulnerable, which can be positive for both parties.

That’s where professionalism helps us out. Creating an enforceable contract that clearly outlines the expectation of each person involved. An official form or document that holds a lot of value. Some might say it even calls for a celebration. Invite important whiteness too, make it a spectacle. Declare your achievement of finally doing the right thing and making a clear distinction between a wife and a woman in love with a diamond.

Shit We’re Loving: LISTEN

Blaze’s Pick: Courtney Barnett’s “Pedestrian at Best”

I’ve been craving some ear-shattering guitar licks and found solace this past weekend in the fury that is Courtney Barnett.

Barnett isn’t on my top 5 Spotify Wrapped or even on a daily playlist, but I swoon over her poignant lyrics when they float together with hardcore hits from drummer Stella Mozgawa. Every song is loud, nostalgic, personal, and unique; cradling sentimentality in a bed of thunderous noise.

Her magnetic energy powered the stage like a solar panel from Phoenix. The set design is simple. Nothing but her, Mozgawa, and bassist Bones Sloane stood dotting the empty floor, backlit by six living room floor lamps, topped with beige unassuming shades that hid colorful fluorescent bulbs. Slender, discreet, they stood much like Barnett, unafraid to be their fiery self despite the initial judgment of their subdue exterior.

It was brilliantly classic, reminiscent of her most recent album Things Take Time, Take Time.

At the crescendos, drenched in flashing lights and furious rhythmic strokes, I stood 100 ft away from the genesis of sound, closed my eyes, and grounded my feet as the vibrations poured in. They raced up my knees and bounced around the chambers of my heart, tingling the soft pads of fingers, hiccuping around my hair. It would not be still, constantly beating.

That’s the thing about live music, after ninety minutes you’re a different person.

Your perspective has shifted, you’re wondering how long it takes to learn guitar. It can’t be that hard, you already have the chip on your shoulder with which to sharpen the strings.

But the reality is that it takes time. Things take time.

The melodies on stage seem strung together in serendipity. You want to believe these strangers just pick up instruments and all decided to hum in the same key for a while. You don’t see the first drafts, the wrong notes, the practice. Things take time.

A lesson worth remembering.

That’s why I’m listening to Barnett because I seem to keep forgetting.

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