Cancer. It is a word that is all too familiar in my family and many other families around the world. It is a word that nobody ever wants to hear. It is a reality that nobody ever wants to be faced with. It is something that you would not want to wish upon your worst enemy. For me, it is also a constant worry that I have had since I was little. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in her early 30’s and as I approach my 30’s, I can’t help but hear a little voice in the back on my head saying “will I be next?”.
For as long as I can remember, I have always had this thought in the back of my head. When someone part of your immediate family is diagnosed with cancer at such a young age, doctors tend to flag it in their notes. What I have always been told is to keep an eye out starting 10 years prior to my mom’s diagnosis, or roughly since my early twenties. With cancer, a huge help with treatment is early diagnosis so doctors truly want to be proactive when it comes to catching it (if any problems were to arise) very early. Ever since I was 18, I have been very adamant about having a yearly OB GYN appointment and conducting routing monthly self-checks. Just recently, at the age of 22, I started having annual mammograms as well due to the higher risk in my family. There is however, one precautionary procedure that I have not elected to participate in. It is one that the doctors have been asking my dad to do since my sister and I were little, and it is something that I still have not mustered enough courage to do. Genetic testing. More specifically, testing to see if I possess the BRCA gene mutations that increase my risk of having breast cancer.
It sounds like a no-brainer almost. I know I have a higher risk of breast cancer because my mom had it at such a young age. I know one of the best chances you have to beating cancer is early detection, yet a part of me still wants to live in a sort of ignorant bliss. When the doctors first proposed testing my sister and I to my dad, we were probably 13 or 14. It was a year or so after my mom passed and he basically shot the idea down. At the time, I was always so curious why he didn’t have us tested. Did he not want us to know what our future had in store? When I asked him about it though, I learned that is precisely one of the reasons that he did not have us tested - He didn’t want us to live in fear of a future that we may never have. Because of my age, I did not fully understand the test or what it accomplished; however, now that I am older I can understand the process more. While the test can tell me if I have inherited the gene that increases my risk for breast cancer, it cannot actually tell me if I will develop cancer. My dad was very sure that he did not want to test us when we were younger because, at the age of 13, he didn’t want us to live our entire lives in fear that we would develop it. This reason is still one of the main reasons that I have not gotten tested. I already know I am at a higher risk and I am diligent about my annual/monthly checks, so do I really need one more level of pressure/fear put on me?
In addition to having an added level of fear from testing positive for the BRCA gene mutation, there is one more reason I have personally decided to not test myself. Ultimately if I tested positive for the gene I would be faced with two choices: 1) continue on with my life being diligent with my mammograms and monthly check, or 2) have a voluntary double mastectomy. Yes, in some cases doctors will recommend patients have a voluntary double mastectomy to remove both breasts before cancer has a chance to develop or spread. In my head, this has always sounded like a huge extreme that I am still in no way shape or form ready to face. When you are faced with two choices, the first being to continue on as you are and the second being a huge cosmetic, body-altering surgery it makes you truly question and think about both choices. First, if I do test positive and choose to not have the elective surgery I am basically living my life the same way with an added fear of developing cancer. Second, if I choose to have the elective surgery without knowing if I will actually ever develop breast cancer. Pretty much the answer is that both choices suck. There is no easy way to think about it and there truly is no “one size fits all” answer.
Are boobs really so important though that having them removed is a bad thing? That is a question that has tumbled around in my head as well. They are basically just sacks of fat so who cares if they are gone? Well, I do care. My selfish inner-self cares about the thought of how I would look if I didn’t have them. My less selfish part cares about the fact that I would never be able to potentially breast feed my child - obviously when we decide to have children. There are just so many potential consequences that I often find all of these questions tumbling around in my head at the same time like balls in a Bingo drum.
After the doctors asked my dad if he wanted to test my sister and I and he declined, that was pretty much the last I heard of testing when I was younger. When I started annual OB GYN appointments at the age of 18 though, the question started being brought up at every appointment. Since that time, it is a question I have politely declined and luckily my doctors have all been very understanding. However, it is a choice that I still struggle with deciding. I know many women choose to have the testing done and to that I applaud them. We are so lucky to live in a world where we are able to make medical choices for ourselves and decide what is best for us. I am still able to get tested so if I ever change my mind the option is still there, but for now I continue to do what I can to stay proactive and live the the “ignorant bliss” that I have forced into my head.
Shit We’re Loving: WATCH
Kayla’s Pick: Call the Midwife
Yes, I know I said it last week, but I just LOVE a good period piece. I love watching movies and TV shows about a different time and thinking, “is that really how they lived?”. In this case, I also love hearing all of the wonderful accents! Recently, I stumbled across this show while scanning Netflix for something to watch (after binging the two seasons of Survivor that Netflix currently has on it’s app…no shame) and I have not been disappointed!
Call the Midwife is actually a BBC show adapted from the memoirs of Jennifer Worth. It tells the stories of a group of nurse midwife’s working in London’s East End during the 1950’s and 1960's. The show tackles tough topics that were very prevalent during that time period including difficult births, treatment of women, religion, and poor housing conditions - just to name a few. The group of nurses/nuns reside in a convent called Nonnatus House and over the course of the show viewers are able to see how their time there shapes each character.
Now, this show definitely has it’s fair share of birthing scenes - hello, it is literally a show about midwifes. Luckily none of them are “explicit” and there are no R-rated scenes. Watching this show truly makes me proud of how far we have come in society as it sheds light on just how little some women had and how men basically ruled society. The show is also set during the introduction of birth control so seeing how it was introduced and early thoughts on the product from different perspectives (doctors, nurses, desperate women, nuns) is truly eye-opening.
P.S. This show may have given me baby fever!
Show Your Support: NAACP Legal Defense and Educational Fund
In honor of Black History Month, Our Trust Fund is choosing to showcase NAACP’s Legal Defense and Educational Fund. This fund is a branch of the NAACP and is America’s premier legal organization fighting for racial justice. Through litigation, advocacy, and public education, LDF seeks structural changes to expand democracy, eliminate disparities, and achieve racial justice in a society that fulfills the promise of equality for all Americans. LDF also defends the gains and protections won over the past 80 years of civil rights struggle and works to improve the quality and diversity of judicial and executive appointments.
LDF’s mission has always been transformative: to achieve racial justice, equality, and an inclusive society.
On their website, they have a place to search and look at different ongoing cases where you can get the facts and updates on the case as well as links to petitions or other important information. They have cases involving not just crucial civil rights laws, but also things like economic and transportation cases as well as education rights which is another cornerstone to the organization. As we progress into 2021, it’s important to remember what 2020 brought us and the drive to keep moving forward. We may have a new president (thank the gods) but we still have an insurmountable amount of work to do. At OTF, we support this movement forward and will be donating $100 to this cause.
Daily Intention
Today I will…
Enjoy something that brings me happiness.
Here’s some nifty buttons for you to press, enjoy: