I recently had dinner with a friend who I met from a previous job. She’s in her late 40s and a career mentor of mine. She’s in the middle of an impressive nonprofit career, just graduated from law school while working full time and is very active in her community. She also doesn’t have any children and isn’t married.
As I approach the threshold of my 30s and look around at my friends who still live in the city, they still seem comfortable living somewhere on the spectrum of single to relationship, with a few working towards marriage. My married friends have left the city in hopes of a quieter life filled with new expectations and room for children.
I asked my friend at dinner what the divide between her friend group is when it comes to children or not, assuming it was 50/50 given her lifestyle and my knowledge of other city dwellers, yet to my surprise she said 85/15. 85% running around with micro versions of themselves and 15% who don’t have a pediatrician’s number saved.
She admitted to me that she always wanted a big family but life had other plans and that yesterday after work she took the long way around the park to get home on a warm sunny day, feeling the freedom of not having to be beholden to anyone or anything.
There are plenty of us who’ve stood in front of our loved ones and vowed to love a specific person and others who prefer to eat when they want without having to ask anyone else if they’re hungry.
I've certainly been to a few friends’ weddings and there are some I’m really looking forward to but when I look at brides, they don’t look my age. I feel too young to have control over those many decisions, like what venue to choose or who to spend the rest of my life with.
It’s not that I doubt the capabilities of those my age, it’s that I can’t believe my time has come for the dating to marriage track to even be possible. It’s the start of our Saturn return and some of us are just holding onto someone for dear life as we ride into our 30s yet the expectation that we’re settled down is still prevalent.
The idea of being betrothed feels comforting and calming but also out of my reach. It’s a goal I want, but does that mean kids will inevitably follow? That’s not something I’m ready for; maybe the option would be nice? I see fabulous relationships around me all the time of those officially and unofficially together and it all seems delightful. I feel ready to take the next step in my personal relationship, I’m just stunned that the next step would be a wedding. I wish there was a relationship purgatory, but maybe that’s being engaged?
Shit We’re Loving: READ
Blaze’s Pick: Little Weirds by Jenny Slate
Comedian Jenny Slate’s book Little Weirds feels like secretly reading her diary in all the best ways. Her sharp commentary on everyday situations feels obvious once you’ve read them but it’s clear the smooth precision is the result of years of matriculated thoughts and observations, creating ribbons of ideas that transcend through the little chapters and make up the whole book.
She writes about feminism, her family, racism, growing up, getting older, all the confusing bits in between. It’s a great read, but don’t let the quickness at which you gobble this up fool you! She pulls you in with easy sentences that hide complex ideas you find yourself mulling over for weeks.
This work is inspiring as a writer but more importantly as someone also wading through life and facing the same unanswerable dilemmas.
No one had the answer but Slate makes finding out a lot funnier.
Show Your Support: StrongMinds
OTF Editor’s Note: We selected this charity to spotlight quite early in 2022 and obviously had no idea where the world, country, and our own minds would be come August. As a topic we’ve talked about frequently throughout our history and the past few months, it is only fitting that our Spotlight Organization for August is about mental health.
StrongMinds is a social enterprise founded in 2013 that provides life-changing mental health services to impoverished African women. Since many African women cannot even begin to tackle issues like poverty and economic development until they overcome depression, StrongMinds provides treatment for women who suffer from this pervasive and debilitating mental illness. By providing group talk therapy delivered by community health workers, StrongMinds is the only organization scaling a cost-effective solution to the depression epidemic in Africa.
StrongMinds has now treated over 140,000 women with depression to date in Uganda and Zambia. On average, 80% of the women we treat remain depression-free six months after the conclusion of therapy. When our clients become depression-free, are able to work more and their kids eat and attend school more regularly. They also report that they no longer feel isolated, and that they have people to turn to for social support. In the typical OTF fashion, we have already donated $50 and encourage you to give whatever you can, even if it’s just a follow.
Daily Intention:
Today I choose…
To not let my future scare me.
Here’s some nifty buttons for you to press, enjoy: