I moved to New York at the dawn of the dating app age. Tinder was a fledgling baby, but by sophomore year of college it would be a normal and accepted method of dating. By graduation in 2016 dating apps would become the only way of dating in a big city like New York.
I wasn’t much of a dater in high school or college. I met my ex at a summer job (i.e. not on an app) and I met Sam (re: any of my past pieces for ATF) at a store in St. Mark’s Place. My two most significant relationships started outside of the digital space, but that doesn’t mean I am new to the online dating world. I have a profile on every app in the app store. I have been on countless dates from these apps. I can count on one hand the number of guys I’ve met worth a second date and maybe only two whom I actually saw for several months before they fizzled out.
Maybe I am picky. Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m “undateable”. Sure, all that could be true and those reasons could be bringing down my dating average, but you know what else is a factor? The absolute trash I am being served on these apps. Truly garbage people that I find. Sometimes I recognize them immediately and more than often I realize it 10 minutes into the date.
One thing I make ABUNDANTLY clear in my profile is that I am staunchly anti-Trump. Seriously, FUCK that dude. And while I do not discriminate against my dating prospects if they are Republican, I do draw a line at Trumpanzees (a new word I learned this week for Trump supporters). I know many Republicans who are not Trump supporters. So I make it clear in my profile that this is my deal breaker. And yet, apparently saying explicitly in my profile that this is an issue for me, I still get men like darling Benjamin (real name) who right off the bat messages me, “I voted for Trump.”
Now, I could just ignore him, but I’m me so of course I didn’t. Instead I said, “Gross. Hope you’re happy with the dismantling of democracy and human rights.” I am not sure exactly what I thought would happen, but what followed was beyond my wildest dreams.
“Sad thing is,” he says, “you have no evidence to back up your claim. How about you start thinking for yourself you indoctrinated zombie. Good luck in 2020, you should book your therapist now, I’m sure they’ll be rather busy when the Dems lose again…”
Oh-kay Ben. Now I’m amused. So I reply, “So you have a tiny penis? My condolences.”
And then, my favorite and least favorite part of this entire interaction came in his response, “It’s actually pretty fat. Russian beef, ever heard of it?”
I legit vomited in my mouth. And that’s exactly what I told him. At this point I either deleted the chat or unmatched, whatever it is you do on Hinge when you don’t want to talk to someone anymore. The really unfortunate part is that I missed the opportunity to call his “fat” penis a choade and for that I will never forgive myself.
My next dating app story for you really hinges (See what I did there?) on the following photo:
It’s a cute pic if I do say so myself. I use it on most of my profiles because I think my face is clear and I look good and even though its from 2015/2016, I still think it’s a good representation of what I look like now. So…
I’m on Hinge, minding my own business when the most darling man, Nick, matches with me and immediately sends me the following message:
“It’s highly irrational to use filters that make your eyes look bigger/makes you seem more beautiful than you really are (although, I think you’re pretty without it, and don’t need it) since 1) this is a dating app and we’ll see what you look like in real life, 2) there’s only a limited amount of pictures for us to look at to decide whether you’re worth it for us to waste our time/money on a date, which also wastes your time if we expect to meet a girl we were more attracted to in the pics, making it more likely for you to be either used sexually or have to face rejection unnecessarily.”
This is the first message! I have in no way interacted with this person outside of regrettably swiping right on his profile. Additionally, the only “editing” to this photo that has happened is a default Instagram filter before there were a thousand apps to edit photos straight on your phone. So fuck you, I do look that beautiful. I’m just not exactly that pale (although close to it).
So my only response is, “I feel so bad for anyone who has ever had sex with you. You’re disgusting.”
Bro blows straight through that and continues, “On top of that, a lot of women on apps will do stupid shit like these face filters, then having several pics where you can’t see them or pics of their fucking dog by themselves, which is really fucking annoying. But anyways, I just wanted to get a chance to vent as well, don’t mind me.”
I say, “I will literally never mind you again.” WHICH I WON’T because this dude sucks. At least girls putting their pets in their profile are being honest. Bros will post pictures of themselves holding puppies and then in their bio be all like “oh no, it’s just my friend’s dog.” Like, you know you’re doing that because we are more likely to stop and look at your profile, but I digress.
Nick catches up to the convo and realizes I had previously insulted him and feels the need to protect his ego by saying, “Well then you’re feeling bad for a lot of women, I’m afraid to say. Lol you’ll be quite the miserable banshee of a wife one day. Just kidding, that probably won’t happen saying sexist, hateful, obnoxious shit like that due to some reasonable constructive criticism.
To recap, I have rightfully acknowledged that the women he’s had sex with should be consoled if they had to deal with this bullshit. Also, should we spot-check to make sure he hasn’t murdered someone? I in turn have been accused of being sexist, hateful, obnoxious.
He continues, “Learn how to take some feedback without losing your shit. Women like you give women a bad rep. Gives people the sense that women can’t handle feedback and you gotta coddle them. Do better. And stop being so obviously neurotic. It’s a serious red flag.”
I AM A RED FLAG?!?! This is why I am squarely in the camp that men are trash. While this is seriously entertaining to go back and forth with these serial killers, it is also exhausting. I came to the realization sometime last year that I really just have no interest in dating apps anymore.
After 4 years of meeting seriously questionable people and having had zillions of conversations exactly like these, why would I want to be on a dating app? That’s not rhetorical, seriously, DM us on Instagram if you have a good reason. Otherwise, I’m just going to have to wait out quarantine and COVID so I can try to meet people in person again.
Shit We’re Loving:
Sydney’s Pick: We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
After talking to you today about the absolute shit storm it is to use dating apps as a human woman (apparently being a woman on a dating app is a lightening rod for misogyny?), I thought I would shout out this amazing novella in the hopes that it will reach one of the assholes who talks to women like this.
The essay is an extension of Adichie’s Tedx Talk of the same name (which was also featured in Beyoncé's 2013 song "***Flawless"). The book discusses Adichie’s definition of feminisim which she imagines a world of “happier men and happier women who are truer to themselves. And this is how to start: We must raise our daughters differently. We must also raise our sons differently.”
Filled with wisdom and deep understanding, We Should All Be Feminists is a timely rallying cry for change in the era of Me Too. Both men and women need to be active and insistent in their fight for gender equality, just as Adichie outlines in her book.
Show Your Support: The Okra Project
Each day this month we’re featuring the lovely organization, The Okra Project, which supports the Black Trans community by bringing home cooked meals and resources to Black Trans People wherever they can reach them. A Trust Fund has already donated $90, enough for one whole session (includes chef’s pay and groceries) with an Okra Project chef, and we encourage you to share their story and help support them too!
Here’s a quick breakdown, directly from their website, of donations and how your giving helps:
18 people could donate $5
9 people could donate $10
6 people could donate $15
3 people could donate $30
1 super generous human could donate $90
You can click that cute button below that will take you directly to their PayPal account where you can donate to them 👇
Daily Intention
Today I will…
Here’s some nifty buttons for you to press, enjoy: