Introducing the first installment of Trust Issues, Our Trust Fund’s version of Dear Abby where we answer any of our readers’ pressing questions.
The first "problem" for us to give our sage advice on:
How do I cope with my boyfriend’s friends still being connected with his ex on social media. My boyfriend and his ex don’t follow each other and have since deleted their couple photos but I still see the friends engage with her. Do I just ignore it? How can I stop fixating on this?? Help!
Here’s what we suggest, friend:
Sydney’s Advice:
This is a non-problem. His friends are not your friends. Instead of shifting the problem over to them and their relationship with someone, ask yourself what the root of the problem is for YOU. Why do you really feel insecure? What needs of yours are not being met that this is bothering you? Identify those internal feelings and then talk with your partner about how your needs can better be met. You're likely more upset about something beneath the surface than you are about his friends being friends with someone who has nothing to do with you.
Aimée’s Advice:
I TOTALLY hear you on this issue. Mike has certain friends who are TERRIBLE (in our opinion) about doing this - staying friends with their friends' exes. It took Mike's most recent ex moving a couple hours away for these friends to stop being friendly with her. I could give more examples, but I fear it'll get too convoluted lol. Basically, I totally feel you on your annoyance.
Honestly, though, the only person's actions that really matter here are your boyfriend's. If he has cut this ex out of his life and seems to have moved on in a healthy fashion, then there's really nothing for you to worry about. But how does HE feel about his friends doing this? It's a bit rude and inappropriate on their part, in my opinion. Mike was really annoyed when that happened to him - does your boyfriend feel similarly? Talk to him about it! If he's also annoyed, y'all can bitch about it together and bond that way. If he's indifferent, then I guess that's your answer, too. No need to be hung up on it if he's not. After all, he's the one actually being wronged here.
Then again, I suppose it is disrespectful to you, his new partner, for them to try and maintain a relationship with his former partner. Do they wish she was still around? That's certainly the signal they're putting out. Perhaps - and I know this probably sounds annoying - you could put more effort into being friendly with the friends? Once I proved myself to be a nice person and a fun hang, I think that also helped Mike's friends forget about Mike's ex. We shouldn't have to prove ourselves as worthy of respect, but SO's friends are always a weird dynamic to navigate. They're protective in an annoying way (how many times have I said "annoying" and "annoyed"?), but once they know they can trust you, they'll go to bat for you. They didn't get to have a say in the matter when your boyfriend and his ex split, so maybe they need a little more time to move on. You can accelerate that process by showing them the cool-ass person you are, and that you're not gonna do your boyfriend dirty.
Blaze’s Advice:
I’ve been on both ends of this: the ex who keeps trying to stay relevant and the current partner who can’t resist snooping. The biggest takeaway is to stop looking altogether but if you could do that then you wouldn't have written in.
The second best option is to closely monitor the situation for a change in participation. This is a much more toxic and petty approach but it’s the only way to get the data you need.
From the nosy ex perspective, it’s their way of keeping tabs on the ex, checking you out, and keeping score of who won the breakup. This usually leads to heartbreak and disappointment but occasionally it creates enough jealousy to sabotage the new relationship and break them up. In an even more rare scenario, that break-up leads to a rebirth of the dead relationship; but the chances of that working out long-term is even slimmer. If you have to con your way back into love, just to eat your own sloppy seconds, is it really worth it?
For the current partner, it can be seen as a sign of flattery from the ex. They feel so threatened by this new current relationship they must sleuth around the past looking for scraps to hold onto.
The only solution to overcome this is to trust in your partner. Rely on the idea that these two are exs for a reason and you must trust your partner to remain faithful despite any targeted likes or passive comments. Focus on the bond between you two instead of the exterior forces. There will always be signs, other people, and obstacles in the way but the most important intention is to grow together.
A more pressing issue is not what the ex is doing - but why.
If they are behaving so toxically, why was your partner interested in them in the first place? Did your partner do something to them to trigger this reaction? There are always two sides to the story and both have value, even if they are not both true.
How did your partner contribute to the past dynamic and why are they doing that’s different from you? Don’t assume you’re the one who came out on top just because you’re the one in the relationship.
If you really can’t bring yourself to ignore this other person’s presence then block them. Block them now. If your partner is acting shady the truth will come out, but obsessing over someone else’s moves on the internet has never worked out for anyone. Go crochet a sweater or play some basketball, but block them first.
If you ignore all this advice because you’re too in love and paranoid then I’m sorry you’re getting anxious of what is insignificant in the grand scheme of this amazing world. So what if they are messaging an ex? Break up and find someone who isn’t.
Bring it up to your partner, talk about it, really think about how and why this bothers you. Turn it on its side, stop avoiding it, and break up or put it to bed.
Shelby’s Advice:
Ah, social media, my old enemy, we meet again.
As someone who has deleted Instagram from my phone (and then redownloaded it later) basically every day, I understand this dilemma of being fixated on something you know that isn’t good for you. Though I agree with everything my fellow writers have suggested as options to approach this problem, I suggest we come at it from a different angle.
Perhaps coming at this “problem” as a problem with social media, versus a problem with you, for example, could help reframe it as something treatable and more manageable. Because, as my friends have pointed out, your partner’s friends following and engaging with your partner’s ex on socials really isn’t in your control at all. Unless your partner is also upset with their friend’s online behavior—in which you should communicate with them to see how you can assist in relieving both of your anxieties around it—you don’t have much ground to stand on. You can’t tell grown adults who they can and can’t follow on Instagram.
BUT you still have power here in how you handle the situation for yourself and for your relationship. Social media was designed to be addictive and thrives on sucking you in deeper and deeper into intense self-despair FOMO. Not only do we all feel the need to share whatever we’re doing, who we’re talking to, at every second, we also all feel the need to consume what everyone else is doing, who they’re talking to, what they’re saying, etc. Instead of simply existing and being, we exist with a constant, steady stream of receipts, and voluntarily track our own actions, thoughts, opinions, and friends.
Maybe this is the problem?
Let’s just say there is a teeny dosage of malicious intent in some of your partner’s friends following your partner’s ex—you obsessing over it is giving them the power in the situation. If this is the case, which I doubt it is, but people can be assholes, then you seeing what they’re doing/who they’re talking to is exactly what they want.
My longwinded suggestion for your Trust Issue is this:
Being honest with your partner is always the first step: Tell them that you’re frustrated (and maybe unsure of why you’re frustrated, just that you are) with the situation and ask about how they feel. Maybe they do care and you can discuss how to move forward together. Maybe they didn’t even notice! In which case, move on to step two.
Yes, you can go through the hassle of blocking, favoriting, or unfollowing, whatever the different platforms allow you to take care of your business without actually taking care of your business, or you can work on stopping the obsessive action before it can begin with getting yourself off that damn app. Most smartphones (I’m an Android user myself, so I can’t speak of the witchcraft that is iPhone) have a function to lock apps after a certain amount of time spent on them. Does it work everytime? No. Do I know how to go into Settings and turn the timer off so I have unfettered access again? Yes, but the pop-up that blocks you does help remind you “I don’t need to be on Instagram right now, looking at my partner’s asshole friends”
Go outside! Go read a book! Play a video game! Take a nap! Do some collating! Roll in the grass! Streak down your street! Dye your hair in the bathroom! Cook something you’ve never made before! Cook the same damn thing you always make! Go do something else and remember that, since they are obsessed with posting what they’re doing and who they’re doing it with, social media has already consumed your partner’s friends. You can still get out.
Shit We’re Loving: PEOPLE
Our Pick: Our First Trust Issues Submitter!
We don’t know who you are, but we appreciate you and your trust in us to answer your question as honestly as possible. When we were originally launching Trust Issues we discussed putting in “fake” questions, to get the ball rolling, but because of your bravery and interest, we didn’t need to! So thank you for that. Thank you for helping us do something else! We wouldn’t be here without you. Hope you found our advice at least somewhat helpful.
Love,
OTF Team
To everyone with a pressing question, please submit any and all for our second installment of Trust Issues with our Google Form.
Show Your Support: ShatterProof
Apologies for the delay and thank you to Aimée for pointing out I had yet to change this month’s Show Your Support Organization! Everyone, welcome Shatterproof.
Shatterproof is a national organization that focuses on those struggling with the disease that is addiction. According to the CDC, there were over 107,000 fatal overdoses in the U.S. in 2021—the highest number in history. Shatterproof shares that 295 Americans die from overdoes every day. But if these numbers are so horrifically high, what is being done about it? Stigma, says Shattproof, is the missing piece in our nation’s response to the addiction crisis. When we view addiction as it really is—a disease—more people will seek treatment and fewer will die. Shatterproof outlines National Principles of Care they believe will assist in better serving Americans with or without addiction:
#1: Routine screenings in every medical setting
#2: A personal plan for every patient
#3: Fast access to treatment
#4: Long-term disease management
#5: Coordinated care for every illness
#6: Behavioral health care from legitimate providers
#7: Medications for addiction treatment
#8: Support for recovery outside the doctor’s office
Shatterproof reminds us that for every major disease in this country, there is one well-funding national organization—except for addiction. Shatterproof’s goals are simple: Transform addiction treatment, end the stigma that perpetuates addiction, and educate and empower our communities to get the help they need and deserve. In the OTF fashion, we have already donated $50 and encourage you to do the same. Addiction is a treatable disease.
Daily Intention:
Today I choose…
Breathe. We’re all learning how to go through it.
Here’s some nifty buttons for you to press, enjoy: