Welcome back the second installment of Trust Issues, Our Trust Fund’s version of Dear Abby, where we answer any of our readers’ pressing questions.
The first "problem" for us to give our sage advice on:
What do you make of someone who is a chronic liar? And not small lies. Big ones. This is an old friend I used to have (why we are no longer friends should seem obvious by the end). So anyway. Big lies. Like at my birthday when news broke about a mass shooting and she lied that one of the victims was a childhood friend. Or another time she lied to our larger friend group that her college roommate died. Or another time she lied about having a stalker. How do I know she lied? None of the victims of the shooting matched her description. I found her college roommates still very active Instagram. And I read texts between her and her stalker where she was just hanging out with him. Then I asked her about all of it. I told her I would withhold judgment. I told her to just be honest about whatever was hurting her and making her need to lie. She admitted to lying. Said she didn’t know why she lied. And then she ghosted me.
Sooo basically. Wtf. Have you ever met someone like this?
Here’s what we suggest, friend:
Kayla’s Advice:
I hate answering this question because I know someone like this and they are one of my friends. I want to be able to say "call them out on their bullshit" or "unfriend them because they are a compulsive liar", but unfortunately I just can't say that without being a major hypocrite. It is hard to know what exactly to do whenever I find myself in a situation with someone who is clearly lying. On one hand, I want to call that person out to figure out why they are lying in the first place, but it most likely would end poorly. Most people get very defensive when caught in a lie and for someone who is already a compulsive liar, they are probably already lying as a defensive mechanism. The lying may stem from a lot of things but insecurity is definitely one of those reasons. The person lying could be insecure about their life, relationship, career, past actions, etc. and the only form of defense they have to combat those insecurities is to lie about them or something. Maybe they just crave attention and feel the only way to get the attention they seek is to lie about something.
I guess I have mainly taken a "blind eye" approach to the situation and if the lie (or perceived lie) isn't enough to impact me or my other friends, none of us really bring it up any longer. The suckiest part is that now I never know what to believe. I find myself constantly doubting every single thing this friend says to the point that even if they said the truth I would not believe it. At the end of the day though, the person is still my friend and truthfully the lying has never affected me to the point of confronting her. Maybe on day that will change, but right now I just try to think of reasons she may feel the need to lie in certain situations.
So, I guess to answer your question, yes I have absolutely met someone like that and am still friends with them to this day. Maybe one day your friend will reach back out after doing a lot of self reflection on why she felt the need to lie about such major things. As someone who knows how hard it can be to be friends with someone who continually lies, I would say you could either accept the apology and move on or completely disassociate with that person entirely. Overall, it is a shit situation to be in and hopefully ended for the best.
Aimée’s Advice:
While I can't say I've ever met someone whose lies reach the magnitude you've described, I've definitely known quite a few pathological liars in my life. They usually just lie about harmless stuff, though, or maybe even just exaggerate more than anything. I'm talking about the kind of person who will tell a story about an event you were present for but will embellish it to no end and change details just to suit whatever they want the narrative to be. I guess the question is, is that really harmless? You learn that you can never truly trust what that person says, and...that's kind of not okay.
I more or less try to keep these types of people at arm's length. I limit conversation with them as much as possible, and when I do find myself trapped in the snares of one of their stories, I take what they say with a grain of salt. Maybe even a pinch of salt. Or a whole jar! And that's probably the best advice I can give. It's not always possible or practical to cut someone out of your life entirely, but clear boundaries, as we all probably know, can be HUGELY helpful.
Although I guess if someone is lying about being personally connected to a mass shooting...maybe you can cut them off.
Shelby’s Advice:
Wowza. I'm super curious to see what my friends say or offer as their advice; my first reaction was we're all gonna have the same answer, but we might get there differently.
May I be blunt? It seems, unless you too are a liar, have done everything in your power to correct, rectify, soothe, fix this problem. But it is above you. As a liar (#GeminiProbs), I know the thrill of a good lie, but these are *not* average lies. This person you are describing, I would say with absolutely zero medical authority, needs counseling/therapy. There is something waaaaaayyyy deeper afoot here than you and even her on the surface.
I believe the way you handled it -- got some evidence, confronted, she confirmed and then ghosted you -- was the most mature way you could go with this and for that I say bravo, not many people would have taken that route. There is nothing you could have done to make that situation go better; it’s all on her and she chose how she wanted to handle it. I say, enthusiastically, good riddance. This person lives in negative energy and that's something they have to deal with on their own. Go live your life, it's way too short to be spent worrying about people who you can't get through to.
Blaze’s Advice:
Woah what a conundrum. I’ve had friends who I’ve caught in pretty big lies for no reason but nothing like pretending someone close to them died or knowing a victim of a national tragedy. My first thought is that you should get yourself far away from that person, so I’m glad to hear you’re not speaking anymore!
I guess the real question is why are some people like this? Is it a cry for attention? A desperate need to feel a part of something? Like Kristen Wiig’s SNL character Penelope, who is a caricature of this unfortunately common desire to “one up” anyone else around them in some unhinged contest of superiority. Is it a hatred so deep for themselves that they have to make up a false reality just to get up in the morning?
Sometimes I lie to strangers about my job or where I live or other harmless little details that don’t matter in the grand scheme of things if I know I’m never going to see them again. It feels like trying on clothes outside of your normal style just to see what they would look like but you never end up buying them! I’ve never tried to play fast and loose about death lies or fibs about other people’s lives. That feels a little unhinged.
I think you did the right thing by approaching this person with kindness and without judgement.
Honestly I would count it as a blessing that they 1) admitted to the lies because that’s personally so satisfying to know they know you’re right 2) that they took themselves out of your life!
My guess would be that they’re just embarrassed you found out and usually these types of people never expect to be so directly called out that they probably didn’t know how to react. I would just be grateful you don’t have to put up with their false antics and be glad they’re gone! It sucks to feel ghosted by anyone because it can feel personal or like it’s your fault, but consider yourself lucky this unnecessary drama has been cleared from your life and use all this new energy to make healthier friendships that aren’t based on a bed of lies.
Shit We’re Loving: PEOPLE
Our Pick: Our Trust Issues Submitter!
We don’t know who you are, but we appreciate you and your trust in us to answer your question as honestly as possible. When we were originally launching Trust Issues we discussed putting in “fake” questions, to get the ball rolling, but because of your bravery and interest, we didn’t need to! So thank you for that. Thank you for helping us do something else! We wouldn’t be here without you. Hope you found our advice at least somewhat helpful.
Love,
OTF Team
To everyone with a pressing question, please submit any and all for our second installment of Trust Issues with our Google Form.
Show Your Support: StrongMinds
OTF Editor’s Note: We selected this charity to spotlight quite early in 2022 and obviously had no idea where the world, country, and our own minds would be come August. As a topic we’ve talked about frequently throughout our history and the past few months, it is only fitting that our Spotlight Organization for August is about mental health.
StrongMinds is a social enterprise founded in 2013 that provides life-changing mental health services to impoverished African women. Since many African women cannot even begin to tackle issues like poverty and economic development until they overcome depression, StrongMinds provides treatment for women who suffer from this pervasive and debilitating mental illness. By providing group talk therapy delivered by community health workers, StrongMinds is the only organization scaling a cost-effective solution to the depression epidemic in Africa.
StrongMinds has now treated over 140,000 women with depression to date in Uganda and Zambia. On average, 80% of the women we treat remain depression-free six months after the conclusion of therapy. When our clients become depression-free, are able to work more and their kids eat and attend school more regularly. They also report that they no longer feel isolated, and that they have people to turn to for social support. In the typical OTF fashion, we have already donated $50 and encourage you to give whatever you can, even if it’s just a follow.
Daily Intention:
Today I choose…
to let go of those who do not contribute to my life in a positive way.
Here’s some nifty buttons for you to press, enjoy: