Trust Issues Question #3, anonymously submitted:
So I've been with my bf for nearly a decade and still to this day I've felt no urge to get engaged. It's not that he isn't my "forever" or whatever - I'm just happy with where we are and what we have I guess. We actually probably will get engaged soon...but that's another story.
My "issue" I guess is that I have multiple people in my life who seem like they're in SUCH A RUSH to get engaged. Like, a friend who's been with her boyfriend a little over a year but constantly talks about what her wedding colors and shit will be, a cousin who's only 24 but planning to propose to his gf next month, another friend who actually already did get engaged to someone I feel like she barely knows. Idk it just stresses me out!! Maybe I'm too judgmental, I just feel like you should REALLY know someone before you take that massive step, you know? I guess I DON'T know, but I thought maybe the brilliant ladies of OTF might.
So there it is: how soon is too soon to get engaged? Should I stop worrying about all these people?
Kayla’s Thoughts:
So, there are a few things here that need to be unpacked. First, every single relationship is different and what is right for one couple may not be right for another. As someone who has truly only had one significant other (that I ended up marrying), I know that is not how other people would have done things. I've personally had comments about not "experiencing" the dating scene or having enough relationship knowledge to actually get married; however, Marc and I have been together for almost nine years now and married for almost five. Just because he was my first boyfriend, doesn't mean we shouldn't have ended up together. In those regards, I do think that it is important to not judge the "time" so much, but rather the couple instead. I've personally had friends who have dated people for longer than I've been married and still ended up breaking things off. I've had friends that have dated for far less time than Marc and I did and currently have successful marriages. The question shouldn't be "how soon is too soon to get engaged?", but rather "is this engagement right for the couple?". And honestly, that may only be up to the couple to decide.
The second part of your question also truly depends. You ask if you should stop worrying about all these people, but it depends on how close you are to this "friend". If they are more of an acquaintance, your question seems to stem from possibly an insecurity about your own relationship. You've been dating for almost ten years with no intention of getting engaged, but now your friend is suddenly engaged and they have not been together long. They say jealousy is the thief of joy and that could be what is coming into play. On the flip side, if you are best friends and you truly have concerns about the relationship, I say a conversation may be warranted. That may be a hot take because some people would never confront a friend about a relationship they have concerns over; however, as long as the conversation comes from a good place and not just slamming or condemning the relationship, maybe it would be beneficial. Just go into it fully aware that confrontational conversations always have the chance of backfiring. Even if it is to a best friend, there is always a chance they won't see it as you are looking out for them and instead take it as an attack on their choices. Be fully prepared for it.
To wrap up, this situation isn't easy. On one hand, if you are genuinely concerned for your friend about rushing into things, talking to them may be beneficial. On the other hand, if you are insecure about your own relationship and using that to cast a negative light on your friends, that may be something you need to navigate yourself. The truth is, no two relationships are the same. There is no "perfect timeframe". Sometimes it takes years to get married, sometimes it takes months, sometimes it takes a break-up, and sometimes it just works from the beginning.
Sydney’s Thoughts:
This sounds like a you problem. It's reasonable to be concerned about a friend if they are in a toxic or abusive relationship and talking about getting engaged, but the reality is you don't know everything about them even if you are a close friend of theirs. You don't know what their relationship is like, how committed they are, or why they feel comfortable taking this next step. What you need out of a relationship is not what they need. You needed a lot of time to prepare yourself for marriage, but that doesn't mean that is what others need. Everyone's journey is different and we need to respect that, no matter how different those choices may be from yours. It's not your place to judge.
Aimée’s Thoughts:
I guess I'll start by drawing on my own experience here. Mike and I dated for four full years (and lived together for two and a half) before we got engaged, and I'm really grateful it all played out the way it did. I do feel like it's really important to experience big events and struggles together before making a more permanent commitment. While dating, we weathered all kinds of storms together: new jobs, shitty jobs, grad school, pet ownership, various mental health struggles, physical illnesses, family issues, family losses, new apartments/moving, the literal pandemic, and then some. We cultivated a relationship that can truly last through thick and thin, and it felt good going into our marriage knowing that we've already successfully carried each other through many difficult situations.
But then again, this is definitely not a one size fits all sort of thing. I wish everyone could have the same experience I've had, but there can be so many other factors at play. For instance, living together before getting married might not be an option, either for financial reasons or even religion/culture/family reasons. Additionally, a lengthy dating period might be tough if you're a little older and ready for kids (and feel that you want to be married before having said kids). What I don't like is, say, all of my cousin Madeline's friends in Mississippi/Alabama getting engaged less than a year after graduating college. Like, come on, I've seen y'all's social media posts...there's no way you're ready for this! But again, not really my call. Also, I tend to forget that Kayla was only 21 when she got engaged and 22 when she got married...but Kayla has (unfairly) basically been an adult her whole life. And she and Marc dated for several years before getting engaged. So again, circumstances are everything when it comes to this question!
I actually have a friend like you, who's been with her partner longer than I've known Mike but has completely resisted getting engaged. I know in her case she's just dreading the whole wedding planning process (but still feels obligated to have a big wedding for family reasons). That may or may not be how you feel, but lots of people feel the opposite way - they simply can't wait to plan their weddings from top to bottom! That's honestly kind of how I was, at least at times, but I'm actually glad I had to wait it out a bit. Mike and I both went through phases at times of thinking we might be ready for that step, only for things to happen to make us feel we weren't, until finally, when the time came around, we both felt really, truly, completely ready. And I think that's all we can hope for for those we care about.
Vidha’s Thoughts:
To be honest, sometimes (most of the time) I do not feel qualified to weigh in on romantic relationship conversations since my longest relationship is with my 2008 KIA Sportage SUV. My boyfriends rarely last a full year *hehe insert sweating emoji here, am I the problem?*. Honestly, my current, rational, adult self is still unsure on whether I want to be married or just be in a committed...thing...forever? If I DID choose marriage, I feel that I would need to be with someone for at least two years before seriously thinking about engagement. And that timeframe is due to the fact that I am finally at a point in my life where I feel financially independent and stable, I am happy with my education, mental health, and body image (usually), I have extremely healthy and vibrant relationships with my family and close friends, etc. If I were 25 and under, WELL HONEY you better date that person for SEVERAL YEARS because you still have a lot of learning and growing up to do. Just my two cents. But I guess in the end, who am I to judge, as I go to bed single and unattached...
Shelby’s Thoughts:
It’s how much I’m against marriage. I think anyone who gets married—myself included—is falling into the trap of the man. The nuclear family (mommy, daddy, babies) is a capitalist creation boosted by Christo-fascist morals and ethics and so insidiously interwoven into the very fabric of “America,” we will probably never untie it. If we didn’t live in our current society, marriage would be redundant, but since so many of us HAVE to depend on others for survival (thanks, “gov”) and since so many of us BELIEVE we HAVE to get married to find happiness, prosperity, love (thanks, “god”), we find ourselves in this predicament. And this is coming from someone who, any day now, will receive swatches for her custom wedding skirt. I understand the irony here.
To be frank, and I’ll say this throughout my marriage and into the next — if Zack didn’t want to get married, we would not be.
I cannot stress that point enough. Because of the HAVE TOs that our society (gov and god alike) have superimposed onto marriage, we believe we have “right reasons” and “wrong reasons” to get married. It sounds like you stand firm in these “right” versus “wrong” reasons. Sure “love” is a “right” reason, but to you that doesn’t sound like enough, which is fine but something you should consider. It doesn’t sound like you can see past the “right” and “wrong” reasons — I’m using a dramatic amount of air quotes here to convey that these “reasons” are so subjective and specific to each couple, it’s hilarious. The “rights” and “wrongs” of getting married between me and my fiance are infinitely complex and different compared to yours, your friends, our parents’ (failed) marriages, random-ass people, and your dumb friend getting married too early.
I think the question shouldn’t be “when do I think is the right time to get married,” since that’s never a question you can answer for someone else, but perhaps “should marriage even exist?” Maybe phrase that the next time this comes up to shift the convo away from useless details like colors and to something more substantial.
Shit We’re Loving: LISTEN
Our Pick: OTF’s February 2023 Playlist
This month’s prompt? “Love songs” — giving us free roam to interpret as we see fit. See if we lean into the Listen along with us on Spotify.
Sydney’s Individual Pick: “The Peak Of My Existence” by Jessica Mazin
I will literally sit in my room with this song on repeat and cry. It is SO good. It doesn’t hurt that it was written about my favorite Harry Styles fanfiction. Once again I am telling you to read Duplicity.
Kayla’s Individual Pick: “Flowers” by Miley Cyrus
I wouldn't say I deviated from the theme so much as I just took a different approach to the theme. For the February OTF Playlist, our theme was "Love Songs", and at first glance, you may be thinking, "how the hell is Flowers a love song?". Well, I decided to go the route of "love songs to yourself" if you will. There are so many love songs out there and I didn't just want to go find some mushy-gushy song about love. I much prefer songs about my own power and loving myself (no offense to Marc). So, I chose songs that pump me up whenever I'm feeling down on myself. Also, did I include a song from The Greatest Showman? Yes. Because it truly is the world's greatest hype song and I tear up everything I hear it. Musical songs slap. So, yeah. This February, I don't know, love yourself more. Buy yourself some flowers, or chocolates, a vibrator perhaps. Whatever self-love means to you.
Shelby’s Individual Pick: “death wish” by Aislinn Davis
I think I’ll love you forever
and it drives me crazy
cause what if you wake up
and hate me?
Truly all of the songs I picked for this month I. cannot. stop. listening. to. If you feel this song isn’t lovey enough (true), might I recommend “Even When I’m Not With You” by Pierce the Veil? This got me like woah.
Show Your Support: Polaris Project
In 2023, OTF will now spotlight four charities, showing our support on a quarterly basis instead of monthly. Though this does mean we’re not highlighting as many organizations as before, this will allow for more time on the important aspect of writing, while still doing what OTF was created to do which is support writing and each other. For the new quarterly SYS organizations, OTF will donate $200 to each hand-selected charity. This quarter, for January, February, and March (or our Winter Quarter), we spotlight the Polaris Project.
Founded in 2002, Polaris is named for the North Star, which people held in slavery in the United States used as a guide to navigating their way to freedom. Today, the project serves victims and survivors through the National Human Trafficking Hotline while creating targeted systems-level strategies to disrupt and further prevent human trafficking. One of these strategies is to illuminate how human trafficking really works, in real-time. To learn more about this, Polaris offers a free Human Trafficking 101 crash course that showcases how human trafficking really happens (spoiler: not like the movies) and shares survivor stories that provide real-life context and perspective. For the quarter, OTF has already donated $200 to Polaris and encourages you to give and/or promote what you can.
Need help now? Call the US National Human Trafficking Hotline (operated by Polaris) at 888-373-7888, or text “BeFree” to 233733, or access Polaris’ Live Chat.
Daily Intention:
Today I choose…
True love … ?
Here’s some nifty buttons for you to press, enjoy: