Because time ceases to stop and insists on rolling forward, we're 1/5 of the way through the last week of OTF. After talking yesterday about Barbie (and noting our final collabs are lighthearted), in classic Shelby fashion, I wanted to have at least one collab this week be deeper than the rest. So today we're talking about what we may be fearing or may be regretting now that we're at the end.
If anyone would like to participate in our FINAL THREE collabs, here’s what we got going on! Would love for any and all of you to contribute.
Wednesday, August 2: Shit We’re Loving dump
Thursday, August 3: First Piece / Last Piece reflection
Friday, August 4: What we’re most proud of from OTF
BIGGEST FEAR / WORRY OF MOVING ON FROM OTF
Sydney’s Worry:
OTF has provided a significant sense of purpose and fulfillment for me in the last several years, and moving on from it has left me feeling slightly adrift and unsure of what to focus on next. After investing so much time and effort into this project, I worry about letting go emotionally. I have a strong attachment to the project and it will be difficult to detach from it. Leaving a long-term project like OTF is sad and I don't want to lose the positive memories and nostalgia associated with it. I have made such wonderful personal connections with these women and it will be sad not to be working with them as closely.
Kayla’s Worry:
OTF is one of the few things I've actually stuck to for the last three years, so losing that constant is going to be hard. I'm so bad at picking up something new and then just completely falling off the bandwagon (i.e. Peloton lol), but I have actually stuck to writing! Honestly, if you had asked me three years ago if I would still be writing weekly, I would have told you no. I just never thought I would actually stick with something, but there is just something about OTF that kept me around. I know I will miss the structure of having to write. I will also miss chatting frequently with all of my lovely co-writers. Our chats and meetings are some of the highlights of my week! I hope that one day we will write again or at least put out special pieces.
Blaze’s Worry:
My biggest fear is missing this community.
I really look forward to the OTF email in my inbox and I will miss having that external voice in my head during those daily reads. Besides Shelby, I haven’t even met any of our team in person, yet I feel like we know each other so well from listening to each other's inner monologues, sharing about our experiences, and expressing our feelings to the readers as well. I will miss OTF forcing me to put my ideas on paper and sift through them to find the truth lurking behind the surface.
This space has really helped me open and share my precocious and silly side in a way that feels positive and productive. I worry about losing the spark in my step that comes with the freedom of roaming through my emotions in a way I don’t think I could have done or felt comfortable sharing even four years ago.
I worry that without these deadlines and accountability my writing will drop off and be replaced by meaningless chores and unproductive time wasters.
I love making people laugh and I think and hope my contributions to OTF have done that for some readers. My biggest fear is losing the great momentum we’ve built here and not being able to have these dynamic collabs to hear from all the girls.
There is a lot I’m worried about, but as I look ahead to 29 this month, there are a lot of new opportunities I’m excited about as well. I’ll try to put my nerves on a shelf for a few more days.
Aimée’s Worry:
I worry that I’ll go back to the way I was and just never write, ever. And I would hate for that to happen! When I saw a Facebook post in April 2020 about my grad school friend Shelby starting her own newsletter, the wheels in my head immediately started turning. I had so many things I wanted to write about, but seemingly nowhere to share them and certainly no meaningful pressure to actually make them a reality—until OTF came along! OTF has consistently held me accountable and given me a space to materialize my thoughts on such a wide variety of topics. Will my writing screech to a staggering halt next week, never to resume? I certainly hope not, but frankly, it wouldn’t totally surprise me.
Shelby’s Worr(ies):
Personally, everything feels like a shit show right now lol. The less-than-two-month countdown for my wedding has begun and though everything feels pretty smooth about that (thank god for full-service wedding planning), it's just still the intense and super important to-do list of shit (think alterations, ring purchases, song selection, and vow writing) that has me up at night along with me second guessing just about everything regarding the PhD program. It just feels off, guys, and it brings me to tears. I have to pay my campus tax bill (like $1500 for the year or whatever) by Friday and I am seriously dealing with “do I pull the plug before then?” energy. And then, on top of those life-altering events / changes, this thing that I created and loved and talked about and cried over and hated and rejoiced in and bragged about and found deeper connections through is ending. Of my own volition, to be certain—I explicitly asked for this and do feel it necessary—but am now wondering why all the change? Why all the hesitation? Why does everything never feel wholly right?
BIGGEST PERSONAL CHANGE SINCE STARTING OTF
Sydney’s Change:
I talked about this a bit in my last piece for OTF, but this project has given so much back to me. It has boosted my self-confidence and belief in their abilities. I feel more capable and self-assured in pursuing new challenges. Three years of creative work on OTF has led to the expansion of my creative abilities. I have built connections and a network of like-minded friends and collaborators that I will always cherish.
Kayla’s Change:
When I started writing for OTF, life was weird. I was in a job I hated, we were in the middle of a full-blown pandemic, I was trying to navigate married life without any huge milestones to look forward to, and it really was just a strange period in time. I feel like since then, I have really grown into someone who tries to not take the little things for granted and puts more focus on the everyday mundane. At the end of the day, I've really had no "big milestones" since I started writing, with the exception of a new job/promotions. However, it has been nice to just enjoy this easy time in life with no plan of kids yet. Really, I'm just learning to enjoy the calm.
*Edit* I’m writing this after we already put together this piece because I actually did have a small change since starting OTF. I wrote about it previously, but I have always had hesitation to get genetic testing done for the BRCA genes for a multitude of reasons. However, I finally decided this year to get it done and found out that I am negative for both which is a huge relief! I decided that I was done living in “ignorant bliss” as I have so called it and just wanted to know. It is now a huge weight off my shoulders to know and ultimately I am glad I decided to do the testing.
Blaze’s Change:
My career.
I started writing for OTF when I was unemployed due to the pandemic and throughout my time I got my first serious job, added on another weekend job, and then recently transitioned into a great step in my career. I’m not sure if this is my forever path, but I’m pretty dang proud of myself for continuing to challenge myself and search for more.
Aimée’s Change(s):
In some ways, it seems like not much has changed, but in others, it seems like everything is different. I’ve moved twice since the start of OTF (and that second move involved actually buying a house), I’ve gotten engaged and then married, I’ve become a better teacher and now a tenured teacher, I’ve lost and gained friends (special shout-out to the friends I’ve gained through OTF!), I’ve been to new places, and I’ve learned new things (again, special shout-out to the things I’ve learned from the other ladies of OTF). I feel like I’m smarter, stronger, wiser, and, quite simply, BETTER than I was in May 2020. And I love that.
Shelby’s Change(s):
(some) changes:
laid off, quit, re-hired, quit again from Lush
received a certificate in Sexual Education
hired as unpaid intern, hired as (barely) paid writer, quit from the Sexual Health Alliance
moved to a different neighborhood
got engaged + planned a wedding
got into a PhD program (after getting rejected from my actual dream schools and now I feel like I'm settling)
ANY OTF REGRETS?
Sydney’s Regret:
Balancing OTF with other responsibilities (work, family, social life, etc.) has been difficult in the last year and a half. I wish I could've managed my time better knowing it was going to end soon!
Kayla’s (Lack of) Regret(s):
Honestly, no regrets. I feel like I put out pieces I am proud of. Some of them were deeper and more emotional while some were just fun and lighthearted. I wrote things to strangers on the internet I wouldn't have dared to write when I was younger. Truthfully, we have all put our hearts into our writing and I'm so proud of everyone who chose to share a story, including my regular co-writers and our guest writers! We put out some amazing pieces and we did what Shelby set out to do. We cultivated a space to share our voices.
Blaze’s Regret(s):
All the typos.
As a writer with an extreme passion for storytelling and extreme dyslexia, my lack of spelling has always been the little voice of self doubt in my head that stops me from sharing a lot of my work. OTF has definitely helped me bulldoze through that and put out work despite my insecurities, but while my confidence has gotten better, the typos remain. The unforced errors make my pieces feel unpolished and I hate how these mistakes I can’t understand impact how the work is perceived. Even though I believe in the sentiment of what I’m trying to say, the actual combination of the letters sometimes gets lost on me and I fear it deludes my point. It’s a long term obstacle to grapple with but it has made me look back on some pieces with a lot more cringe than necessary when thinking about all the clarity of it all.
I also regret not being more hands on with the admin side. There is a lot of work behinds the scenes to produce OTF and I deeply appreciate how much time and effort everyone put into this beloved project. I think I can take credit for maybe 2% of it (even that’s a little generous), but I never wanted to be the reason someone claimed, “there were too many cooks in the kitchen,” and felt like this team of incredibly smart and competent people were very much in control. My help didn’t feel necessary, but everyone needs support, and I wish I was louder about offering that.
The largest regret, however, were the other obligations that life forces on you. I wish I had more time to dedicate to this project and my own writing journey. There were so many amazing ideas tossed around behind the scenes that never gained traction because of very real and time consuming responsibilities that were pulling me in other directions.
Aimée’s Regret:
I wouldn’t necessarily call this a regret, but I think sometimes I almost took OTF too seriously. I caused myself a lot of stress and spent a lot of my free time figuring out scheduling, making themed tournaments, sneakily proof-reading and editing collabs and other pieces before they were published, and more. Many a time did Mike get frustrated with me for being so frustrated over something I didn’t even get paid to do. However, I realized this flaw several months ago, or maybe even about a year ago, and definitely dialed myself back a bit. This was very beneficial for my mental health, and it also made this ending of OTF a little bit easier to digest. Also, though, let’s remember that I’m a control freak and love overextending myself as much as I hate it. Again, this isn’t really a regret—more so a critique of my past behavior. (And, in true Aimée fashion, I took the time to proofread and edit this piece. Although Shelby hasn’t finished all her parts as I type this, so if you notice any typos there, don’t blame me! Lol jkjk).
Shelby’s Regret(s):
not getting more voices to contribute
my inability to understand or care about social media and its importance (better said, not getting a bigger following)
not paying my writers
being unable to make this my job and turn it into something bigger
Shit We’re Loving: WATCH
Shelby’s Pick: Season Three of The Righteous Gemstones on HBO Max
Oh hell, not SWL: Watch again. It took me longer to figure out what to write here than it did anywhere else. I really wanted it to be something that correlated with the collab’s topic, but now it’s 3:33pm and I should really just send it out and stop overthinking, especially since we’re doing a huge SWL dump tomorrow with all of our recent favorite Reads, Watches, Listens, Experiences, and People. Zack and I just finished the penultimate and season finale of this latest season before I finished the piece and it’s just hysterical. The better Succession story, in my opinion. This season is hornier (gayer too), more chaotic, and absolutely inexplicably ridiculous. Go watch it. Danny McBride deserves awards.
Show Your Support: Global Girl Media
For our final OTF Show Your Support, I’ve chosen Global Girl Media (GGM), which develops the voice and media literacy of teenage girls and young women, ages 14-25, in under-served communities by teaching them to create and share digital journalism designed to improve scholastic achievement, ignite community activism and spark social change.
We change the storytellers so they can change the world.
Global Girl Media empowers young women to bring their often-overlooked perspectives onto the global media stage. By turning up the volume of girls’ voices globally, GGM promotes freedom of expression and strengthens substantive journalism that addresses historically marginalized voices. We do this while also building self-esteem, leadership capacity, and 21st-century skills. Founded in 2010, we are currently active in South Africa, Kosovo, Chicago, Los Angeles, Greece, London, and the Bay Area.
You can’t be what you can’t see. Our media tells us a lot about who we are and the stories we believe about ourselves. Yet, a female POV is under-published, under-broadcast, and under-streamed compared to a male POV. Now more than ever, women and girls of color need a place at the table to change the narrative. That’s where GGM comes in.
In the OTF fashion, we have already donated $200 to Global Girl Media and we encourage you to give and/or promote what you can.
Daily Intention:
Today I choose…
acknowledge as above and forgive myself
Here’s some nifty buttons for you to press, enjoy: