Back at it again with our “advice” column, Trust Issues. Individuals can submit their questions or current issues anonymously via our submission form, and then the OTF graciously (lol) answers and responds, offering our perspective, opinions, and help for the reader(s) to take or leave.
Check out our previous Trust Issues here:
DEAR OTF…
I’m 28 and single. I know relationships aren’t the end all be all of this life, but when you’re the only single person amongst your friends it’s hard not to feel a little lonely and out of place. I have a really hard time dating in the dating app culture and have not had any luck meeting someone in person. I want to stop focusing so much energy on what I don’t have and practice more gratitude for what I do have, but it’s SO hard. How can I stop feeling so self-conscious about this part of my life and start appreciating my life the way it is?
Sydney’s Response:
Dude, I am in the same boat. It is so hard to stay positive and hopeful for love when it seemingly comes easy to everyone else. The constant questioning of why them and not me is an extremely hard cycle to break. What you are feeling is totally valid and don't let anyone tell you its not. All the cliché advice like "it'll happen when you least expect it" or "you have to love yourself first to love someone else" may be true, but it is EXTREMELY annoying and unhelpful when you are feeling down (or honestly anytime tbh).
The best thing you can do for yourself is try and romanticize your life. By yourself flowers, take yourself out for coffee, go to a bookstore, talk to your friends, host dinner parties. DO things that make you happy and try to ignore that nagging feeling that something is missing. The less power you give that feeling, the more power you will regain.
Kayla’s Response:
So, I'm probably not the best person to answer this. I met Marc my Freshman year of college and got married to him at 22. It's been almost 9 years since I've been single, but before Marc, I never dated anyone! Well, I had a "boyfriend" for less than 2 weeks in middle school and then broke up with him at the 8th grade dance, so I don't really count that. BUT, if you don't count that (which I don't), Marc was my first boyfriend. Honestly going through high school single felt like the end of the world sometimes, but knowing that I didn't want to settle for someone that wasn't right for me just for the sake of not being single is what really kept me from dating. I really think that as a whole, society places too much value on "finding someone" or getting married. People are pressured way too early to start finding a partner, getting married, settling down, and starting a a family. I mean, when life expectancy was like 40 years old, maybe it was important to do all these things for the sake of growing the population, but not these days. 28 is still so young!! It is prime time to grow a career, pick up new hobbies, travel the world, etc.
While I may not directly relate to being single, I can relate to the feeling that you are "behind" or not being in the same place as your peers. I feel like all I see these days is people posting pregnancy announcements or baby photos. People that got married after Marc and I. For awhile, it made me feel like I was doing something wrong. Like I was falling behind, but eventually I just had to tell myself that it wasn't a race. Life has a funny way of making us all feel like we are in a constant race of hitting milestones, but shouldn't be the case.
I would just try to put more focus on things that bring you joy, possibly with other people who are single. Or, just focus on enjoying time alone! Go on some solo trips or join a Meetup group! I've actually had a bunch of luck making friends through Meetup and through some female-only hiking groups. If you have a sport or activity you like, I guarantee you can find a Meetup group to do it with. Sometimes just focusing more on things you like, without the pressure of "finding someone" or needing to hit a certain milestone helps you focus on the here and now. When you start focusing on the present and what you are doing instead of what you think you should be doing, it helps you appreciate what you have.
Blaze’s Response:
First off I love your attitude towards this because I do agree that a relationship is not the be all end all of life but I also hear you that it can be annoying when you’re the only single friend in a friend group. It’s also super fair that you’re fed up with dating apps. While people can definitely have success on them, it’s not for everyone and that’s totally cool too.
I honestly think your head and your heart are in the right place but don’t let your eager optimism let you settle for the bare minimum. I would take the time to really list out the qualities and expectations you have of a partner. List specific things like loves to work on house projects together or has career aspirations or is an activate listener. These might seem like a given but if you really think about all the qualities in a partner that you’re looking for the right person will come along and you’ll be able to recognize the connection sooner because you’ve been looking for a specific thing. Casting a wide net isn’t always the best way to get a partner.
I would also recommend joining a volunteer group for something you’re passionate about where you might meet other like minded people and also make a new friend because they might have cool people in their friend group. Meeting new people doesn’t always have to be romantic, a lot of platonic relationships can connect us to people we’re more romantically interested in!
I’m sorry you’re feeling self conscious about this, but honestly most people in relationships aren’t that happy. It’s not about finding someone, it’s more important to find the right one and a lot of people settle for what’s convenient instead and regret it later. Hence the notoriously high divorce rate everyone always is going on about. Enjoy your single time and getting to know yourself because it won’t last forever, even if it might seem like it now. Also it doesn’t hurt to go to therapy if you’re not already in it.
Aimée’s Response:
I'm probably really not the right person to give advice on this issue...lol. I joined a dating app (Tinder) as a joke/experiment right before I turned 22, and literally met my now husband within three days of being on the app. The only person I ever dated as an adult is my husband. And not only that - our relationship has always been quite easy! There was never any drama, there weren't any games, and there was always open communication. Still is!
So honestly, as obnoxious as this may be, I always tell single friends to try to stop putting so much weight/hope into this matter. If you stop looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend, THAT'S when one tends to fall in your lap.
Also, though, 28 is so young! I've got friends in their late 30s/early 40s who are "still" single and just living their lives. Yes, they want partners. Yes, they've experienced plenty of heartache over dating/dating apps. But at the end of the day, they still feel young and they aren't too entirely worried about their "lack" of a romantic partner.
My sister was 31 when she began her first successful relationship (which she's still in today, almost five years later). It's just different for everyone! You never know when it's gonna happen.
I guess another piece of advice would be to try to make friends with some other single people. Isn't it nice to have someone to commiserate with? I have friends who are married, engaged, dating, single, widowed, you name it. We relate on so many different things, but I really do appreciate having married/committed friends to talk about that aspect of my life with. I know making new friends is easier said than done (just like letting go of the desire to find a romantic partner), but it's worth a try. Do you have any single coworkers you could go get a drink with and rant to? Cool-looking people at your gym you could chit-chat with before a fitness class? Old acquaintances, you could potentially reconnect with?
All in all, I wish you the best, whatever that may end up being for you. Definitely update us soon!
Shelby’s Response:
Like the other two committed OTF members, I may not be the best person to turn to in this situation. But I can tell you that, even though I have a partner, I am self-conscious all the time. Self-conscious that I’m not a good enough partner, self-conscious that I’m falling into the generational and anti-feminist trap that is marriage, self-conscious that I’m not exploring more, self-conscious for even thinking about exploring. I think we all struggle with what we don’t have, even the trust fund babies like myself who seemingly have everything. I have a partner, but I crave the individualism and freedom you have. You don’t have a partner, but you crave the connection and security I have.
My advice here is two-fold. First, consider your definition of “relationship.” As someone who’s obsessed with language, I’m having to work on my own definition of things (primarily how I define “success,” but that’s a whole other piece). The way we were raised, the people who raised us, and the culture we were raised in all play an important role in shaping your definitions. What do you “know” about relationships? Is it different or the same as what you feel when you think about being in a relationship? What is YOUR definition of “being in a relationship”?
I think many of us get caught up on not fitting into the definition we’ve been presented with: being single = bad, not having a high-paying job = unsuccessful. I was never taught I could rewrite these definitions. When you actually know what you want (a live-in domestic partner or multiple partners or commitment but not living together or a big wedding in a church or single-till-I-die) it becomes easier to locate and obtain. This is not to shame you for wanting to be in a relationship, and I apologize if that’s how it’s starting to sound. My intent is to get you to re-examine the dating culture as it is and actually assess how, and where, you’d like to fit into it. It doesn’t have to be through the way you may have been told (dating apps, traditional monogamy, being in a relationship at all, etc).
Second, find a hobby. Find something that makes YOU feel good, something that is just yours and the only reason you're there, the only reason you’re doing the activity, is for you—not a single other person.
Shit We’re Loving: LISTEN
Our Pick: OTF’s May Playlist
This month’s theme? Pop groups!!! Listen along with us on Spotify.
Sydney’s Song Pick: “Stockholm Syndrome” by One Direction
This month's theme was Pop Groups so I knew I had to include a One Direction song on the playlist. Stockholm Syndrome is my absolute FAVORITE 1D song. Whenever I hear it it's like a shot of serotonin. I just want to belt it out and dance around the room.
Kayla’s Song Pick: “Black Magic” by Little Mix
I just really love Little Mix and this song is a banger. That is all.
Blaze’s Song Pick: “Say My Name” by Destiny’s Child
My May choice is Destiny’s Child's “Say My Name” because it’s just so god damn iconic. I remember singing along to the chorus before I full even comprehended the context of the song. This is such a banger amongst a very impressive catalog.
Aimée’s Song Pick: "Shape of My Heart" by Backstreet Boys
There are SO many good BSB songs, but "Shape of My Heart" always hits different for me. It's poppy and fun but also, like, really beautiful? This is a song I would NEVER skip.
Shelby’s Song Pick: “Ghost on the Dance Floor” by blink-182
I saw “Pop Groups” and knew I wanted to expand the definition of “pop” to include all other pop subgenres. I had a hard time picking just one song (and I added “It Happens Every Time” by Dream Street this morning), but to go with my flow of pop not-pop, I’ve picked this slightly-hidden blink banger.
Show Your Support: Bee City USA
In 2023, OTF will now spotlight four charities, showing our support on a quarterly basis instead of monthly. Though this does mean we’re not highlighting as many organizations as before, this will allow for more time on the important aspect of writing, while still doing what OTF was created to do which is support writing and each other. For the new quarterly SYS organizations, OTF will donate $200 to each hand-selected charity. This Spring Quarter (April, May, June), we spotlight Bee City USA.
With Earth Day happening late April (the 22nd), and with spring being a time for absolute renewal, we chose an environmental charity to support this quarter. Bee City USA provides a framework for communities to come together to conserve native pollinators by providing them with a healthy habitat that is rich in a variety of native plants, that provides nest sites, and that is protected from pesticides. As the name suggests, the focus of Bee City USA is bees, and primarily our native species.
Since 2019, there have been more than 2,566 habitat projects (think gardens, meadows, orchards) completed, totaling over 3,800 acres.
The steps that Bee City affiliates take to conserve our native bees, including creating safe habitats and hosting community events, will also help other pollinators, including butterflies and moths, as well as the non-native honeybee. One of the most impactful actions any affiliate can take is to encourage others to think beyond the honeybee—there are more than 3,600 species of bees in this country!—and recognize the true diversity of bees that sustain our communities. For the quarter, OTF has already donated $200 to Bee City and encourages you to give and/or promote what you can.
Daily Intention:
Today I choose…
trust.
Here’s some nifty buttons for you to press, enjoy: