A recurring collaboration for OTF is our advice column, Trust Issues. For this week of our final month of operation (for now), we’re sending out three new Trust Issues pieces (#5-7). If you’re not yet familiar with Trust Iusses, this is our segment where individuals anonymously submit their burning questions and/or current lifestyle problems for the OTF ladies to reflect and (sometimes) kindly respond to.
There’s always a chance for things to come back around for OTF so if you’re at all curious about what we might say about your problem, feel free to still submit your issue to us — we’ll maybe be nice.
Check out our previous Trust Issues here:
Trust Issues #1: Friends with exes
Trust Issues #2: Compulsive liar
Trust Issues #3: Engagement rush?
Trust Issues #4: Living single
AND help out our dear readers by providing your own insight to our next few problems:
Trust Issues #6: Appeasing the religious parents
Trust Issues #7: Decision-making
DEAR OTF…
I am generally a chill person and can get along with all types of people. However, there is one person I work with who boils my blood. He's not even good at his job. He is married with kids but flirts with all the girls. Hearing him talk, laugh, cough, everything and anything he does just annoys me. It basically ruins my mood just having to be around him. He is quite passive-aggressive towards me but to keep things professional I try not to speak to him or else it won't be anything nice. He is a hypocrite and has said things to me which he does himself. He has made me cry multiple times at work. My boss knows he has made me cry but he won't take any real disciplinary action. How can I stay positive and not let the little things he does annoy me so I can get through my day in peace?
Aimée’s Response:
I mean, I would tell you to GTFO and find a new job, but depending on your line of work, that’s much easier said than done. First of all, your boss sucks for being aware of the situation and not doing anything about it. Is anyone else aware, though? My advice would be to find one or two other coworkers who similarly dislike this man and vent with them on the reg. That might be the only way to stay sane if you have to stay in this job. Or like, is getting HR involved an option? It might honestly be worth it. It’s 2023—we shouldn’t have to put up with men like this in our work places!! All in all, I wish you luck and hope you get to a place of relative peace.
Blaze’s Response:
Honestly, I’ve been there, and if you don’t see him leaving anytime soon, I would start looking for a new job and move on. Obviously, this isn’t an overnight solution and the job market isn’t the best right now, but for your peace of mind, I highly recommend removing yourself from the situation and honestly whatever job you move on to will probably include a raise and a much better environment. It might be “just a job” but you do spend about 40-60 hours a week being there / getting ready for work / commuting, and clearly now you’re thinking about it outside of work hours, too.
It’s not your fault that this toxic environment is making you so frustrated and it’s fucked that his behavior makes you feel this way and that your boss does nothing about it; just to be clear, all of this is extremely unprofessional and insane. Karma will find him, and your boss, in the end, and you single-handedly won’t be able to change his awful behavior, yet it seems like he’s actively making your life worse.
I would protect myself and use this fire to make moves in my career for the better! Flex on him by getting a better job than him and then thank him for the inspiration in your goodbyes when you leave this current role just to be petty.
Vidha’s Response:
I am curious if you have analyzed what specific actions, words, or tones he has taken and what reaction it elicits from you? I am a big proponent of writing down my thoughts to aid in analyzing them (for example, when I am pissed at my situationship, I write down in the notes section of my phone what happened or what was said, what my emotion/reaction was, and determine what caused that reaction—was it the tone of their voice i.e. sounding condescending, or was it what they actually said i.e. something rude). This helps me understand what caused my emotional response, whether it was warranted, and how I can remedy the situation either currently or moving forward. Have you also documented (in writing) the times he has made you cry, and what specifically caused the anger or sadness? You mentioned he isn't good at his job—I am curious if you have specific accounts of him not doing well, perhaps missing deadlines or not executing the best work. The more written documentation in ANY situation, but particularly a work environment, the better!!!
I feel for ya, it is never fun to work with someone who makes you uncomfortable! I would also avoid them if at all possible, but understanding and documenting what they are doing/saying so that you can express your discomfort to HR or your management team might be a good next step!
Kayla’s Response:
As a corporate America girlie, I will just straight up say you will ALWAYS work with people who annoy you. It's unavoidable. Colleagues will always have their own quirks and I've learned quickly you can choose to ignore it and move on or let it bother you. I recommend choosing the former. Men are especially good at making women in the work place feel inferior. I'd say just remember your strength and handle things with confidence. Unfortunately I wouldn't recommend saying anything to your boss unless the comments cross a line of sexual harassment. You will simply be known as the employee who complains, as horrible as that sounds. Do your best to surround yourself with colleagues you enjoy being around and keep a strictly professional demeanor with this person. Just remember you are capable and you were hired for a reason! People will always try to undermine or devalue your work, but know your capabilities and stay tough!
Shelby’s Response:
I fucking hate coworkers. I love working remotely for this reason, though my coworker is now my fiancé (and also roommate) which can be less than ideal at times, too. In order to give you my most confident answer, I’d need to ask some clarifying questions. What is your job? Is it corporate? Is it food service? Retail? How many people are on staff? Are they mostly men? I feel like the answers to these questions determine how much power you have here. I definitely do not believe you have to just put up with people and I will fight for the rest of my life to not have to feel obligated to play nice or tolerate people who do not deserve it. I know Kayla, strategically copy-and-pasted above me (not really it just happened that way lol), would say otherwise and I think she’s correct certainly for her field (corporate America girlie, as she self-defines). If this were Lush you’re talking about, that’s a totally different environment to speak up in. Same with a university or a restaurant or a grocery store. I’m not saying some of those places won’t give you the same answer as Kayla’s corporate world, BUT there has to be recognition that there are some channels that exist for people to successfully seek assistance.
You do mention having a boss that has yet to do anything about it. Obviously they suck — is there someone above them you can talk to? I understand Kayla’s fear of you being a “tattletale,” but also it’s so important to stand up for your wellbeing. You don’t know if this person is saying worse things to someone else who is even more scared to speak up. At the very worst, this dude (who’s already a dick?) thinks you’re a tattletale—big fucking whoop, tell him you’ll do it again, so fuck right off.
Final bit: keep looking for a new job. The perfect one is out there somewhere, hon. I’ve just gotta believe it.
Shit We’re Loving: READ
Shelby’s Pick: Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros + Daisy Jones and the Six by Taylor Jenkins Reid
My dearest friend Katie, who works at our nearby bookstore, asked me one day, “Have you read Fourth Wing??” I said no, and that I had only heard of it through Kayla who asked about it in our #Book-Club Slack channel. She immediately grabbed me her copy and made sure to note it’s a first edition and she’ll definitely need it back. If you don’t know anything about Fourth Wing, it’s somehow sold out all of its copies and everywhere is backordered. The publisher is sending out the next round, however, this edition will not have the black-edged pages with dragon symbols. Thanks to #BookTok, these first editions are being sold for upwards of $300. It’s insane. The story is actually better than I thought it would be — gave me serious ACOTAR (but like A Court of Mist and Fury, really) vibes — and was spicy too. Fun read, really excited for the next one, whenever it may come out.
The other two books I’ve recently just finished are Daisy Jones and the Six, a book a swore up and down I wouldn’t read and, of course, loved it. I will probably watch the first episode of the show, but no guarantees I finish it 'cause I just hate TV. And also Red, White, & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston, and though I had a fun time reading it, I wasn’t blown away like I have been with other books so far this year.
Show Your Support: Global Girl Media
For our final OTF Show Your Support, I’ve chosen Global Girl Media (GGM), which develops the voice and media literacy of teenage girls and young women, ages 14-25, in under-served communities by teaching them to create and share digital journalism designed to improve scholastic achievement, ignite community activism and spark social change.
We change the storytellers so they can change the world.
Global Girl Media empowers young women to bring their often-overlooked perspectives onto the global media stage. By turning up the volume of girls’ voices globally, GGM promotes freedom of expression and strengthens substantive journalism that addresses historically marginalized voices. We do this while also building self-esteem, leadership capacity, and 21st-century skills. Founded in 2010, we are currently active in South Africa, Kosovo, Chicago, Los Angeles, Greece, London, and the Bay Area.
You can’t be what you can’t see. Our media tells us a lot about who we are and the stories we believe about ourselves. Yet, a female POV is under-published, under-broadcast, and under-streamed compared to a male POV. Now more than ever, women and girls of color need a place at the table to change the narrative. That’s where GGM comes in.
In the OTF fashion, we have already donated $200 to Global Girl Media and we encourage you to give and/or promote what you can.
Daily Intention:
Today I choose…
to stick up for myself but also know my battles.
Here’s some nifty buttons for you to press, enjoy: