Coming right back atcha with our next Trust Issues segment.
Check out our previous Trust Issues here:
Trust Issues #1: Friends with exes
Trust Issues #2: Compulsive liar
Trust Issues #3: Engagement rush?
Trust Issues #4: Living single
Trust Issues #5: Coworker hate
AND help out our dear readers by providing your own insight into our LAST problem:
Trust Issues #7: Decision-making
DEAR OTF…
My husband and I are newly married and are looking to have kids in the near future. I have always wanted to be a mom and raising kids with my best friend is something I have always dreamed of. Both my husband and I are not religious at all, but unfortunately his parents are very old school Catholic. We have never told his parents that we are not religious because we do not want to make them unhappy. During the wedding planning, his parents made it known they were very unhappy with our choice not to get married in a Catholic church, but in order to try and keep them content we ended up adding religious aspects to our ceremony (something we would not have done if they had not said how disappointed they were with us). Now that we are officially married, they have already made comments about having our future children baptized. It is already stressing me out knowing that we do not go to church or intend for our children to be baptized. So, I guess my question is, how would you handle the situation? I really do love my in-laws and want them to be happy, but I don't want their happiness to be at the sacrifice of my own morals. I don't want them to dislike me or get mad at my husband.
Blaze’s Response:
Interesting, well if you’re not religious and don’t believe in God, therefore you don’t believe in His consequences, I would consider having it. As a non religious person I feel like most religion is about tradition and specifically family traditions and if it’s that important to them then maybe just go along with it?
I guess I’m more confused how you and your husband have hidden this aspect of your lives from them for so long. Do they bring up church at all or ask you about it? Do you say grace at the table with them? What about Easter and Christmas? It feels like you either have to commit to the bit or tell them how you really feel.
If you’re fine with just not bringing it up and kind of pretending you’re religious-ish then I suggest doing it for them and maybe just have them at the actual ceremony and use it as a way to celebrate the new life you just created and have a more causal after party with your other friends and relatives.
It doesn’t seem like a big deal in my opinion but also then you might have to keep it up with other religious traditions like first communion. I will say I was baptized and had a first communion and enjoyed getting to wear the fancy puffy dress along with all my other friends. I don’t think it’s doing any harm to your children to have them baptized but if you do feel strongly about it, prepare for their disappointment and be willing to defend your choices.
Vidha’s Response:
"We don't want to make them unhappy" - Here lies the root of the issue, in my opinion. The truth is that we can never truly make someone completely happy, least of all judgmental parents. To me, this sounds like a discussion that needs to happen between your husband and his parents. You cannot parent your parents, but you can be honest and authentic with them about your morals and how you would like to raise your children. Whose paying for your kids bills and raising them 24/7? I assume you, not them.
Admittedly I am not super versed in the differences between Catholicism and "mainstream" Christianity, but didn't Jesus say do not judge, for you too will be judged? If you and your husband are in alignment with the goals for your future family (not being baptized and/or not attending church), then you need to be honest with your loved ones.
Kayla’s Response:
I have a hard time answering this because Marc and I are in a pretty similar situation when it comes to our religious views versus our parents. I understand the want to please your in-laws while also remaining true to yourself. Ultimately I think it should be up to your husband to talk to his parents if they try to question your decisions. At the end of the day, you and him are on the same page as to how you want to raise your children and if you in-laws have a problem with that he needs to explain to them that you both have made your decision equally and hopefully they will honor it.
Aimée’s Response:
It's funny because my own situation is nearly the opposite of this, in that I'm kind of known as the "religious"/observant one in both my husband's family and even my own family. So I think my answer here will be different from everyone else's, in that I'm coming from the perspective of someone who understands the importance of the completion of the sacraments for a Catholic person/family.
I mean, I would say to just get the kids baptized anyway, except that it is kind of a pain to do that in a Catholic church when you haven't done the sacraments yourself. If it doesn't really mean anything to you, it doesn't really mean anything to you, right? Baptism is a relatively painless sacrament to complete - the kid just has to be there for an hour or so. Maybe just doing this one thing will quell your in-laws' worries. Old school people like that often do tend to believe that the baby is essentially damned or something until it's at least baptized. They might care less about First Communion, Confirmation, etc. But then again, you might be opening up a whole new can of worms if you go through with this first sacrament...who knows.
I was also going to say you could find a different denomination to do a baptism, one that's maybe less strict than the Catholic church. I'm obviously not telling you to start going to church, to bring your kids to church, or anything like that. Just that baptism is seen as a pretty big deal for all Christians. And it can have some benefits later in life, too! Mike and I were able to be married in a Catholic church because he was baptized Presbyterian. They didn't care about anything else (whether he was confirmed, whether he actually went to church or not, or even whether he believed in God at all), he JUST had to be baptized in any Christian church. So perhaps one of your future kids will (ironically) find themselves wanting to marry a Catholic one day! Even if the only time they stepped into a church was for their baptism, this will allow them to marry their prospective spouse with ease.
So that's my take. Obviously, do what you think is right! But I do think this is one particular issue which your in-laws will have some trouble getting over. Again, as silly as it may seem to most of us, to a lot of Christians, the baptism of a child is more important than just about anything else.
Shelby’s Response:
Kinnnda feel like I should sit this one out as I am adamantly against having children / bringing more life into this horrifically, unrepairable world we live in. Baptize your kids, don’t baptize your kids, either way we’re all going to die. But like that’s just me. I also extremely do not care what my in-laws think of me and would pretty much do things just to spite them and their “desires” for my relationship. So, uhm, good luck? And tell your partner to deal with them? After all, they’re his parents; wouldn’t wanna ruffle any family dynamics you’re just supposed to accept once marriage enters the equation.
Shit We’re Loving: WATCH
Kayla’s Pick: Vanderpump Rules
How am I just now figuring out about this trashy show?! I started watching from the beginning about a month ago and am on the third season currently. Man, it is a wild ride! It is also very clearly a product of the 2010’s (i.e. the outfits, the cars, etc.), but it is such great viewing. It is the perfect trashy show to sit down and binge because all the cast is bonkers. Every single one of them is crazy and shitty and they truly all need therapy, but man it’s a dumpster fire you just can’t look away from! Also, Lisa Vanderpump is goals. She is gorgeous and actually gives pretty sound advice.
Show Your Support: Global Girl Media
For our final OTF Show Your Support, I’ve chosen Global Girl Media (GGM), which develops the voice and media literacy of teenage girls and young women, ages 14-25, in under-served communities by teaching them to create and share digital journalism designed to improve scholastic achievement, ignite community activism and spark social change.
We change the storytellers so they can change the world.
Global Girl Media empowers young women to bring their often-overlooked perspectives onto the global media stage. By turning up the volume of girls’ voices globally, GGM promotes freedom of expression and strengthens substantive journalism that addresses historically marginalized voices. We do this while also building self-esteem, leadership capacity, and 21st-century skills. Founded in 2010, we are currently active in South Africa, Kosovo, Chicago, Los Angeles, Greece, London, and the Bay Area.
You can’t be what you can’t see. Our media tells us a lot about who we are and the stories we believe about ourselves. Yet, a female POV is under-published, under-broadcast, and under-streamed compared to a male POV. Now more than ever, women and girls of color need a place at the table to change the narrative. That’s where GGM comes in.
In the OTF fashion, we have already donated $200 to Global Girl Media and we encourage you to give and/or promote what you can.
Daily Intention:
Today I choose…
making MY choices for MYSELF, not for the benefit of anyone else.
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